How do I make my husband loves us again? Or do I just leave him? Help please I am at the end of my rope.?
Hubby works a lot & then he goes to a garage to work on cars almost every nite. I have tlkd to him about this b4 and he blames me for everything. Tells me the kids dont like him b/c of me, we are broke b/c of me, our marriage sux b/c of me, I feel that sometimes I am at the point to where there is nothing he can do to make it btr, but I dont want to give up on us either. He use to be so attentive to me and kids and now there is nothing. We went thru some bad times last sumr, he wldnt come home until 4-5 in the a.m. or not at all, and of course nothing wld be going on with him, now he tells me to get over it and I am having a hard time with that. I am scared to be myself around him for some reason. I have always been loyal to him, sure I have done dumb things I am not perfect, but living everyday knowing that someone blames you for everything and I mean everything breaks u down and its hard to deal with. I dont want a divorce but what can I do? I am just scared & hurt. Advice??
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The reason why he is blaming you because he knows he is the one at fault, he feels guilty so instead of blaming himself he blaming the closes person he has and that would be you. He doesn’t want to hear about the incident about last summer because he knows he did something wrong and by you saying or keep bringing it up he is being reminded about what he did wrong. You need to have a talk with him but before you do you need to ask yourself, do you forgive him for what he did last summer or anything else that is bothering you and leave it in the past and not bring it up again. If you agree, then sit him down and you do the talking, don’t come off offensive, guys don’t react to good to that. Once you sit him down tell him you have something that you need to talk him about. Before he says anything, tell him you love him very much and you feel like you are growing apart and you don’t want that because you still love him. The whole incident that happend last summer is in the past and you forgive him of what ever he may done and you are not going to bring it up anymore as long as nothing happens like that again. Tell him I want to trust you and we have to work on that and we can do that now by starting a new slate. Keep reasuring him that you love him and ask him do you love me? Look into his eyes and if he says yes then ask him if he agrees? If so, then from there you will not bring up the past and start a whole new chapter and live on with your life. Don’t let the past be a burdden get over and move on, not just for yorself but for your kids. If you are not able to forget about the past then no one is and it will break your family apart. Best wishes and hope eveythign works out. If you want email me and tell me how it goes.
these are the problems that comes with marriage…this is life…or one can remain single and avoid all those pitfalls
You are being pschologicaal abused. You will need two professionals. A personal counsellor and a divorce lawyer. Best of luck.
Get the movie or the book, The Secret. Hope it helps!
Go see a marriage counselor or talk to your pastor. You are going to need some help figuring this out because it sounds to me like you two are talking at each other not to each other. If you want to save your marriage this is probably the only way. Good luck to you.
them blame everting on both on how thing worked out
I myself would not put up with that, you have to think of your children, is it right for them to be around those vibes that you both are sending out. maybe if you take your children and leave for a while and really think what is best for the both of you. it will work out and you will know what you really want. I think you both need space between you for a while. and maybe you can see if this relationship is going to work or end up in a divorce, but just keep in mind, your children and you both have to want this marriage to work, but it seems to me your husband doesn’t. good luck.
if you’re afraid to be around him by yourself, I would think about taking a break…..it’s not good for your children either…too much tension……..you sound so sad…you deserve to be happy !!!…….tell him it takes two to make a marriage and blaming you for everything isn’t very mature…….he needs to treat you better…..maybe suggest counseling…..if not, think about having him move out for a while………
good luck to you
Go see a counsellor together. Trust me they work. I was skeptical at first and didn’t want to admit we had a problem (pride). Hey I know how you feel. It is tough and mind numbing. I’d get help even he didn’t want to go. You need to talk to someone.
UNfortunately, you can’t make someone love you. If he is treating you and your children this way, maybe you should think about seperating for awhile sometimes this can help. People don’t realize what they have until it’s gone. I hope this all works out for you, youdon’t diserve to be treated this way, and neither do your children.
You shouldn’t have to put up with mental abuse in your own home. If he can not own up to his own responsibilities and problems as a husband and he isn’t willing to change I would leave him before you get hurt. They always say trust your instincts and if you are afraid for you safety it is probably for good reason. I would get out of the marriage and find someone who is willing to contribute to are marriage as much as you are.
Go and get a job of your own. Start earning money to supplement the family income. He will feel less pressure and respect you the more
He is troubled, my dear! it could be he cannot find his need in the family when he is back. Or he do having a bad time at work. yet he cannot resign as he need to support the family. Did you give him more attention n care when he back? Did the children give him hugs n kisses when he home? when he come backs and did you all ignore him and do your own things, he feel no sense of belonging.. maybe this is the reason he feel tired/stress out. he blames you for everything so that he feel better. You better show more concern n doll yourself up when he back home. else you both better seek counselling.
You can’t make anyone love you! It sounds like he’s not happy being with you. And you don’t seem happy either. Life is too short to be wasting your time in a loveless marriage. Plus, it’s not fair to your kids that you are unable to pay attention to them because you’re so caught up in your grief and confusion. Get out! It will be hard at first being by yourself. Get your strength from your children, they will always be around.
1) You can’t "make" someone love you.
2) This guy sounds like a complete loser.
3) People who blame others, particularly their wife and kids, for their problems tend to be selfish and insecure. This doesn’t normally translate into a good marriage.
Best to get out now while you are still fairly young. Life is too short to waste on deadbeat jerks!
Some people stay married, but stop *being* married.
Sounds like that’s your situation.
You need to detatch yourself from him emotionally. You need to start thinking of yourself as a single mother.
It’s really true that the only person who can make you happy is yourself.
Don’t depend on him to help you with anything and you won’t be disappointed.
You will get stronger as you learn to stop putting him at the center of your day. It’s you and your kids – and some guy who acts like a room mate versus a husband/father.
If he wants back in to your family – OK – but give up trying to make him part of it.
Fine. It’s not living a fabulous fun life, but you can do this if this is what you want.
Your options are:
1 – continue doing what you’re doing
2 – push him to the side and get on living – let him catch up with you versus you chase him
3 – get divorced and erase him
you do need counseling
You cannot MAKE someone love you or your children…not even your own husband or your children’s father. If he is not willing to seek help from a counselor or if he isn’t willing to even discuss things with you (rationally), then I’d say kick him to the curb, pick yourself and your kids up and move on. I hate saying that, but it takes 2 people to make a marriage work. If he’s not willing, why should you and your kids suffer?
As far as the staying out late, you know in your heart whether or not something was going on with him. And he is not blameless, regardless of what he says…the problems are not all because of you.
Remember this, your children know how happy or unhappy your lives are. Do you want them to grow up thinking you have to stay with somebody no matter what? I’m not saying don’t make an attempt to work it out, but I am saying you cannot save a marriage by yourself.
Good luck! And keep your head up!
I think the best way to decide what to do, is look at your relationship. How happy are you on a day to day basis? Is this relationship adding anything positive to your life?
If not, life is too short, it isnt worth it. You should NEVER havr to convince your loved ones how important you are.
Your husband almost sounds like he has no regard for your feelings, which is the hardest thing to change. You cant make someone respect you as their spouse.
I say there are SO SO SO many more people out there who will love you unconditionally, and think the world of you…dont you want that from life? It might be time to sit down and say either things change, or you leave because you cant live in a loveless marriage.
Good luck, remember
‘your heart whispers, so listen closely’ because I think ultimately your heart is already telling you what to do.
Your husband needs to take responsibility for his own actions.If he is so grown,doing grown-up fun then that’s how we behave in a grown-up world! If he can’t do that, then I seriously recommend marriage counseling! The only other option after that is for him to start paying child support to you for the children and you to divorce because you and the children deserve a better life!! He needs a trip on other side for awhile—and tell him to GET OVER IT!
Alright.
Calm down, and think.
Your husband blames you for the things that are not right in the household. His alternative is to stay out of the household. This says to me 2 things:
(1) His ideas and responses to situations within the home
are not accepted.
(2) He’s is accepted wherever he goes until 4 or 5 a.m.
I honestly believe your husband wants to be at home. You even said yourself that your husband used to pay you guys a lot of attention. Somehow, that got lost in the shuffle of raising kids and transitioning into "parents" vs "couple". This is going to be a hard pill to swallow. You need to begin to accept him and his ideas in you house if it’s going to work. Divorce is not an option, becasue there is too much in the balance. You have to really understand that you stand to lose much more than you gain without him. He can be a real asset if you learn how to use him as such, and not a liability. Men love to be needed…Instead of complaning to him, just ask him questions like…."How would you fix this sink?…I have no clue…" or "Should we have one day a week we take out the garbage or 3?…What do you think?" Men love to make decisions and show our prowess. If you take that from a man and leave him decisionless, he’ll feel like less of a man. Make decisions, but, let him actually come up with the course of action.
Also, NEVER, engage with your children anything negative about him. That can really tear up a marriage because the kids will see that and they will attack it. They know how to get what they want and really don’t care whose hurt in the process. They can be really selfish. Just tell him, "we’re going to go back to the beginning and start over." Let’s try this one more time and this time, I’m going to pay attention to what it is that you really need. (If he’s happy, he’ll make you happy). Just focus on his well-being and trust me, men instinctively are loyal to those that show loyalty to them. (Look at how we are with dogs)….we gravitate to loyalty and need. Show him he’s needed by his family and things will turn around.
you don’t need to get a divorce, what you need to do is talk to your husband about the underlying cause of his hurt. If he is willing and he has given you specific things that you have done to help him reach this point, then make resolutions to fix them. I think if you go about this the right way things will sort themselves out in the end.
PS. During these talks, make sure to let your husband know the things that he does which affect you as well. Remember this is not a one way street.
Try counseling but you cant sit around and hope it will get better. If he refuses to do counseling then confront him with what is hurting you and if this still doesnt work then Im sorry to say divorce is the only answer.