My husband cheated and wants to "let me go"?
My husband and I have been married 2 years in may and we’ve had our awesome times and hard times. I love him with all of my heart. We have had some problems recently. I started school again, we got a puppy, and for the past 6 months he has been working out of town. It has been sooooooo hard. We hadn’t had any kind of sexual activity in weeks. We have been trying to move, also… so the stressors were MAJOR high. We began to neglect each other a little. Realizing there was a potential problem, we signed up for a marriage conference. We were both committed to recieve whatever we needed to make it better. After the conference, we were getting better. We were happier, having more sex, and I was falling in love with him again. Last thursday, I see a mysterious number on the phone bill that he had called 4 times in 1 week and talked with this person on the phone 45 minutes at a time. I asked him about it an he confessed to the affair. He had the affair 2 weeks before we went to the conference (so 6 weeks ago). He said the guilt was eating him alive. He said he wanted to work it out and that he loved me. He said the relationship was over. I reacted with A LOOOOOT of anger. I gave him an ultimatum on the spot (I know I shouldn’t have done this now: Hindsight is 20/20) I said me or the out of town job. It truly is the best oppourtunity he has ever had and he’s really good at this job. He said he didn’t want to choose. I told him he had to. He said he wasn’t quitting his job. So I told him he didn’t have to decide then. I told him to think it through and talk to me when he got home. Well, I couldn’t wait… so I called him back that night. He said he had been thinking about it and that it was best if we split. I relented my ultimatum, but he said that eventually I would require him to quit. I begged and begged and he would not change his mind. He was saying things like, "I’m not in it 100% and you are." and "What’s to stop me from doing this again?" When I would ask what I did wrong he would say, "Nothing… you were a good wife."
It has been hit and miss since then. I called his mother and his grandfather to tell them what had happened (I know, I know… mistake). This pissed him off. He came to talk to me and one of my girlfriends was over (I know, mistake.)
I’ve reacted so emotionally and I’ve done things that I wish I hadn’t. I know I pushed him into thinking he "has" to do this.
We’ve talked a couple times since then… mostly buisness. Last night he called to ask me a question about bills and stuff and I missed the call. I called him back and we talked for 30 minutes (he hadn’t been answering my calls.)
I told him that I wanted to work on it, that we were under a lot of stress and that I hadn’t been the best wife… I apologized for nagging and for treating him badly. I told him that I was willing to change and be better. I told him I missed him and he said he missed me, too. I tried to pitch to him the idea of a trial seperation. He said he would think about it.
I know that I pushed him to thinking he "has" to do this…. will he come back to me? I know that he loves me or he wouldn’t feel so badly and be trying to take care of me. Just last week (before I found out he had the affair) he was calling me every morning to tell me he loved me and saying he was excited to see me.
He keeps saying everything is his fault… but the reality is 70% of men will cheat…. so if 50% of marriages end in divorce, then that 20% can survive it. Some men cheat once and never do it again. I know his love for me is real…. there is no question about that.
It has only been a week and we have experienced every emotion. Will he change his mind when we talk in person on saturday? What should I say?
The lack of sex is evidence of lack of communication. Sex starts in the brain…
His job is in knoxville. He is there m-f and comes home on the weekends. He had the affair in knoxville
I am willing to give him all the things he needs. He just needs to take it
Tags: anger, awesome times, Bill 116, guilt, heart, hindsight is 20 20, last thursday, marriage, marriage conference, mysterious number, Neglect, oppourtunity, puppy, quot, relationship, saying things, sexual activity, stressors, town job, ultimatum
Begging him and blaming his affair on yourself is only showing that you have no self respect and no self confidence. You are making yourself look like a fool. It is he who should be working for you.. not the other way around. He could likely be STILL having the affair… what makes you think he isn’t? You will get nowhere by begging. And asking what you should say is foolish.. he should be worrying about what he will say to you. Don’t say anything. Let him do the talking. If he wants to go then let him.
His feeling so badly and trying to take care of you could be out of pity too. Do you want that?
There are stressful situations in every marriage.. it doesn’t warrant an affair.
Listen to him…he is not committed to the marriage. Let him go.
Well to me, once a cheater always a cheater…
There are so many self contradictory things and other craziness in your question that i’d have to believe its best if you separate. You’ve been "trying to move" for 6 months? That makes no sense to me. You "know his love for you is real" but I just think you don’t understand what love is. You’ve only been married 2 years and spent the last 6 of it in a separation basically as it is, why would you think that a trial separation would help at all? It will only make things worse as he’ll likely stay in knoxville over the weekends and be banging that other chick.
What you should say when you see him saturday is "How long will it take you to the get rest of your crap out of my place, and where do you want the divorce papers sent"
Listen to yourself! You are making excuses for him now! You "pushed him" into not wanting to be with you anymore after he had an affair? No- the truth is- it is not your fault. He had an AFFAIR- you reacted as any woman would. With anger and sadness and hurt. That is all reasonable. If he says he doesn’t want to be with you anymore- that is his decision based on how HE FEELS. DO NOT take all the responsibility of that onto yourself. This is not your fault at all. He obviously wants to go, so let him go. You did NOT force him into any of this. He is dealing with the consequences of his own actions.
I do believe people can change, I do believe people make mistakes. Absolutely. However- that person has to take it upon themselves to change. THEY have to want it. Right now…doesn’t sound like he is committed to doing that.
I wish you luck.
You’re apparently in it all the way, he’s not so much. There is no yes/no or right/wrong answer here. You and him just need to sit down in a mutually "safe" place, and have a heart to heart. The only person that can truly tell you if he is your Mr Right, is You.
"I am willing to give him all the things he needs. He just needs to take it"
Yes, thats fine. but what about what YOU NEED FROM HIM?
Better question here is is he able to give you what you need? You know… like honesty, communication, trust, compassion, etc. Sounds to me like your marriage is lopsided… your putting your entire self on the line to satisfy his needs, he took advantage of that, had an affair and now your STILL chasing after him. Time to start putting YOU first, take care of yourself, find out what YOU need from a man and perhaps you can come to him with some commands about what you deserve in this marriage… its not all about him…
listen to beefy cheeks!
You’re selling yourself way too short. You are a person that needs to be loved by someone who wants to be in love with you for the rest of your life. Not two years. I’m not for marriages breaking up, but you need to find happiness and peace and then start fresh. If he’s unwilling to give you the love and respect you need, don’t beg him, find someone who will. God bless.
you must be a glutton for punishment. A man is PUSHING you away with all his might and you are determined to stay? STOP. unless you enjoy being the other woman. cuz guess what. He spends more time away than he does home. HE LIKES IT THAT WAY. IT WILL NOT CHANGE BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT IT TO. What do you expect people to say to you?