I need to heal from my broken heart since the affair is over… Help me please. Don't criticize me please.
first and foremost, i know i am wrong. i know you want to say mean things to me. if you can get past that and please help me. i have had an affair for five years. i am married. he is married. he finally told his parents and his brother about me. he talked to a lawyer. for the last 3 weeks, it’s been that we are going to be together. last monday night, he was working out of town, i went to, and he was ok with us getting caught. we both have kids. in the last week, he is freaking out. scared to leave his kids. tells me he loves me. i know he does. i am so mad. i am so hurt. so hurt. part of me feels like… it’s not fair for him to live in a happy home while i am miserable and sad in my home. why should i not tell his wife? and, how HOW HOW do i get over him? how do I heal? what do i do? we work together. i see him everyday. and leaving my job is not an option financially. No, my husband doesn’t know…and YES I know I am a piece of crap. I know. I can’t believe I am "that person".helpme
Tags: broken heart, brother, happy home, job, last monday, lawyer, Live 105, monday night, parents, Piece Of Crap
DO NOT TELL HIS WIFE!!! He, and only he, can do that. I do believe that he loves you and wants to be with you but can’t leave his family. Men sometimes more than women, I believe, feel guilty about leaving and know also that he will not see the children as much as the mother does. This is very difficult for a good father. This doesn’t mean he will stay or that he will be happy if he does. What you need to do is divorce your husband and be free. If and when he decides to do the right thing, you may or may not be available but do not allow the affair to continue until he does. In the meantime don’t beat yourself up. You are obviously in an unhappy marriage and need to end that (or decide to stay and improve it??). Everyone makes mistakes and does things that we aren’t proud of. It’s worse when they don’t work out the way we hoped. Be patient. If it is meant to be, it will be. Good luck.
All I can say is….karma. It will get you every time.
I wouldn’t help you if you where on fire I hope you get what you richly deserve
all I will say is this IF you truly loved him YOU would get a divorce and if HE truly loved you ..he would have to.
You already know you are not cool for cheating with a married man and your married as well…SO I wont lecture you
Get some therapy and dont every do it again…maybe work on your marriage…block this other man out of your life and think of his KIDS and WIFE…how would you feel if your the wife and YOUR husband was doing this to you?
Just think to yourself, if he cheated on his wife, he would eventually cheat on you.
Oooh Ohhh…I know!
At least you had really good sex. You can take those fond memories and use those when your’e having sex with your husband.
And no… you’re not a piece of crapola. This is perfectly normal for women to have many lovers.
Start living again, even if you don’t mean it. Eventually you will. Above all else, let him find out that you are living. Heck, send yourself flowers at the office. Don’t speak to him. Dont act like you give a rip about him. Try finding about what your husband is all about again and get back into that relationship. Think about how he feels. I know he’s not stupid, and has some clue if it’s been going on for five years. Get back in there and work on your own marriage before it’s too late and you are left out in the cold with no marriage and no affair. And never, ever, let yourself be caught in something like this again. You have made a mess of things and will have to start at ground zero with everything to being the healing process.
i think you have to start by putting your own marriage together, find the reasons you married him. forget about the married man and have little or no contact with him. please learn from your mistakes and do not tell his wife this will make you feel smaller than you already do.
I think you should tell your husband….This was an ongoing affair that lasted 5 years….and hopefully you can begin to rebuild the broken trust…..You will also need to leave your job….there is no way that you will be able to put the affair behind you…and work on your marriage…if you have daily contact with this man…and staying for financial reasons is no excuse….you always have options!
Something tells me you were just a dirty little secret for him and when it all got too hot he couldn’t handle as he does really love his wife and family.
you obviously don’t love your husband and you sure as hell don’t deserve him
I’m sorry hun, I have no kind words for you…you’ve been selfish and self absorbed and this is the consequence…you’ve betrayed your kids and your husband and you’ve been living a lie. Instead of focusing on your kids and husband, all you can do is whine about how unfair it is that your lover is in a happy home and you are not. You want him to be miserable too, so even with the man you supposedly love you are selfish as well. Why not take some steps to not be *that person*….???
Can you not devote your love to your husband? Is it not possible to rekindle the "old flame"? Is your love totally gone for him?
You are not a piece of crap. Yes, an affair is wrong. But, making things right again is not impossible. Loving and holding your husband is not out of the question, at least in theory. Need another affair? Have one with the man you stood at the altar with.
Getting over this other fellow will take some time. In the meantime, get your resume’ out there and see the possibility of other employment.
Do you love your children? The best gift you can give them is the example of a good marriage. Whatever it takes to work on that, make it happen. As long as that works out and your love for your husband regains strength, healing will happen.
Sorry about the affair. Oh, well.
Betrayal is the dealbuster, sweets. And yes, both of you are a pieces of crap. No sympathy here, sorry. And yup, karma will indeed get ya every time.. And sleeping with a betrayer?????eewwwww.
You post something like this on here, and you won’t find too many sympathizers.
Not going to criticize you. He may have your heart but do you have his? Are you willing to go through divorce to be with him? Is he willing to get a divorce to be with you? These are the things you two need to discuss. If he’s not willing and is using his kids as an excuse then he’s just using you. If he’s not willing that just means he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I know the feeling……. in the end you will regret it!
The affair is a solid coarse for divorce. In the event that you resolve your in differences with your husband adequately it will be much better than your solution at the moment.
Your not alone when it comes to affairs and for most married couples this trend seems to bleed on from one to the other.
The solution is always within yourself to make changes and to approach your needs affectively and then work it to meet your standards and what your most desire is to keep a happy relationship with yours.
I wouldn;t want to own a Cadillac Escalade, but I would like to drive once in awhile and so this mode applies to relationships as well. When the old truck runs out of gas you want a fast ride and sometimes that ride leads to the race track and you find yourself racing for time or killing your heart.
You cant do anything really. You went in knowing it was wrong and nothing good was going to come from it. I’m not going to criticize you because I too was in that situation. It happens ppl! Get over it! I went into a rage when it was over and was in the sh*ttiest mood I had ever been in taking it out on everyone but I just woke up one day and realized that I was being foolish. Why was I doing this over someone who was never mine to begin with. Only time will heal you! Good Luck and next time try not to get too attached or let it go on for that long.
Five years. Wow. Listen. I wanna help you I do. But you HAVE to think. What would you feel, if your husband did this to you. He married you thinking he had an allie to spend his life with. You became the traitor. But you know that. You have to just end it with this other man and then mourn him. Realize it’s over and will never be. Then come clean to your husband. Let him decide your fate in this marriage. Give him THAT, at least. I don’t care about your finances or place to go. Really. Let your husband make a choice in this. You have to say to yourself that you won’t be so selfish anymore.
Telling your lovers wife is selfish. That’s HIS choice to make. You only want control. Leave him alone. Re-build your life- even if it’s from scratch. But your lovers life is HIS to choose. Not yours.
ok every one makes mistakes. Now you need to pick up the pieces and get on with your life.
First and foremost you need to be honest with yourself and then your husband and his wife also.
Whatever happens ,happens. You were honest and forthcoming that all that counts. Your conscience is clean.
I would advise you to seek conselling. Perhaps ask to be transferred to another part of the office or where ever you work. Tell him you no longer wish to be friends or anything else for that matter. Just co workers is all!
You are not a piece of crap or anythiong else we all make mistakes. Thngs will work out sweetheart. I believe in you.
Well…I’ve never been there but it sounds like you need to step outside of yourself. See a counselor and mend your family. Your actions have been selfish. Without sounding too harsh……You need to cut him out of your life face the problems you are going to have once your family finds out and start the healing process. It’s hard to "talk" when I myself have never been married and I’m longing for that kind of life with a family. I can’t imagine doing anything to screw that up once I finally have it. Take a step back and look at all the good things in your life..your husband the man that asked you to spend the rest of his life with him…and your children a beautiful gift made from the two of you. No man should be able to replace that. For whatever reason you let yourself get lost in your own world and it’s time to come back down and face the damage. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Pray for strength and remember you’re already forgiven…
I’m sorry your hurting so much you are only human it’s natural for people to make mistakes. I’ve done it, and it hurt like hell and I thought I was going to die it just hurt so bad the only advise I can give you is to breath and take one day at a time asking God to forgive you and to please take the hurting away The best thing to do is to try and stay away ignore him don’t speak to him all of this is what helped me. Its easier said than done Trust me I know Time is the only thing that will heal. So just breath and pray. Hang in there sweatheart, It’s going to hurt for a long time It will eventually get better just takes time.
I have been that person also. What you have to realise is MAJORITY of the time, men and women cheat for very different reasons. The fact that he is scared to leave his marriage and you are ready to end yours (so it seems) says a lot. Men cheat b/c they can, majority of the time its all about the physical.. woman cheat b/c they are missing something, making it an emotional thing. We get attached and fall in love. Telling his wife will get you absolutely nowhere, except hated by him. You need to be transferred to another department… as long as you have to see him every day, you will never be able to move on.
I wish you luck, be strong.
well, everybody makes mistakes, although I would not nor will I ever condone cheating, first if you are unhappy enough to start cheating then there is nothing left in the relationship! The trust and all is gone, and 5 years!? how does the other half not know? maybe if you really love him and he loves you take the first step and be honest with yourself and as well as your husband, talk about getting a divorce, I know divorces are tough and all but you have to do the right thing and maybe he will see you doing the right thing and he will follow suite, live and learn from your mistakes but do not it let you ruin yourself, remember being in a relationship is alot of faith and trust. and always remember karma! it does come! Be true and honest, go on with life if you have to be single so be it but do not live a double life! as far as working together either transfer to a different dept. or just ignore him. you have to make your own bed now.
I too believe that telling your husband is the way to start the healing. Having such a secret in your marriage should eat at you to the point that you can’t even sleep.
My biggest issue is that you’re here asking us how you can get over your co-adulterer…not how you can heal your family. That to me says that you aren’t the least bit concerned about the life you built with your husband, but more concerned with the life you have with this man…which is a complete lie let alone a sin.
Tell your husband. He deserves the right to know that the woman he took vows with has been sleeping around behind his back. He deserves the right to make the decision on how to proceed from that moment, and you deserve the consequences however they may be. What if this guy had freaking AIDS, and your innocent husband fell victim to your inability to keep your damned legs closed??? UGH YOU DISGUST ME!!!!!!
Well I could start by saying alot of mean things but just I am not cause you already feel bad.I think first off you should leave your husband regardless of anything else.It’s not fair at all to him that you have betrayed him in every way you could as a wife and mother.wheather you tell him the truth or not is up to you but you must know that your not in love with your husband and once this affairs over you will probly find it somewhere to do again with someone else.I am not faulting you but telling his wife could do more damage then good.It could bring him to loose his job that I am sure he needs to provide for his family cause she would make him quit and this was something like all affairs started off as "no big deal" just fooling around untill the feelings took place.You knew this was going to come to an end you just thought it would be easier.You’ll never forget what u’s have had but you must get over it.I am also sure once a long time ago there were promises that no matter what niether of you would tell the others spouse so don’t be a liar stick to your word it will come back to haunt him.What goes around comes back around…..
I won’t judge. It is not my place. But I will start by stating the obvious…You were dead wrong. It is hard to tell the one we were meaning to be with that we don’t want them any more. The excitment of sneaking around has obviously long past and now you are faced with the delima of possibly faking it to make it with your husband, because your boyfriend got cold feet. It is NOT YOUR PLACE, to tell his wife, anything. What a slap in the face to have a women come to you about something that involves her family. You have your own eggs to scramble. My suggestion is you get to THAT. If he hasn’t told her, their isa good chance that you were just supposed to be his getaway.
Your husband deserves to know that you are not in love with him anymore. A so that HE can heal, and find someone who will love him back. Your boyfriend needs to be kicked. Even if you both got divorced, your relationship has already been forged on lies, and rightfully, neither of you eventually would be able to fully trust one another, as you both know what you are capable of.
And then you need to spend sometime alone. Getting to know why you are so unhappy with YOU, that you were willing to risk breaking the hearts of your husband, and his wife. To satisfy a lustful urge, mistaken for deeper feelings.
It is too easy to be bad, I get that. But why wouldn’t yo want to put forth the effort that it takes to do right, so that in the end, you haven’t soiled the name your parents share with you? Your children share with you?
You have no right to be upset…that other man, he owes you nothing. He is not bonded to you by the name of our Lord, he is not your man. He belongs to someone else. And he told you along time ago, the first kiss, after you knew he was spoken for, that you would never be able to earn his heart, you did the same. Other wise neither of you would have stolen ones, from another.
so how was the sex?
I don’t know what to tell you honey…that is a serious situation u put yourself into. I am not gonna judge u, the heart wants what the heart wants…
You do need to do a lot of thinking, honey. Like do u want your marriage? What was missing from your life that u needed to find outside…Healing the heart is gonna be something that takes time… as for the wife..it is not your place to tell her. If u want this man to hate u then tell her, if not leave it alone. Especially since your own husband doesn’t know. If u need to talk more or just vent email me:Trustingangel1@lycos.com
You can’t change the past. All you can do is learn from this, so that you won’t ever find yourself in this situation again. I think you need to end all communication with him. Get closure and move on. Do not let whether this relationship ends be on his terms, you end it now.
Additionally, you need to begin circulating your resume and look for another job. I understand you can’t quit financially but you would only be torturing yourself and leaving the possibility of continuing this affair if you continue working there.
As for your heart, time heals all wounds. You will get through this. Give yourself time to realize how you ended up in this situation. You owe it to yourself to give your marriage another try. You can’t begin another relationship before ending one. With that said you have to give your marriage 100% and for the past five years 100% of you wasn’t in it.
You can’t change the past but you need to learn from this because nothing good comes from an affair.
let him go you to have already killed your marriages but for the kids sake stop being so selfish
5 years is a long time. your husband doesnt deserve it and his wife and the kids don’t deserve it either. It seems like you two do love each other but if you do get together its gonna affect a lot his relationship with his kids, and when that happens i think he will regret it. Also remember that if he cheated on his wife for 5 years, he can do the same thing to you.
Speaking as a couples therapist, affairs hardly ever evolve into a primary relationship (only about 17% in my experience.) Therefore, it is unlikely it will turn into the relationship you truly want.
More free relationship advice from a couples therapist:
http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com
first of all dont be so hard on yourself. at one point in our lives we all reach out to people that may not be appropriate but for whatever reason that person fills a need that is lacking in those around us. i always use whiskey and cowboy songs but if u need to function and cant become a fulltime drunk i find that by just making myself look nice helps me feel better when my heart is broken. like when you walk down the street and you notice other guys are looking at you it helps. but when you with someone this long embrace the pain, deal with it and release it thru some form be it painting poetry what have you. good luck and many blessings. devil doll ps been there it will b ok. i promise.
Forget what all the negative people are saying on this site. They have obviously never been there and they don’t have a clue. I left a great job because I fell deeply in love with another man and he fell in love with me. We were both married and it was so real. Neither of us were looking for it, neither of us were bad people, it just happened. 2 years of tears and struggles to stay away in the office failed. I had to leave the job so we both could go on and not hurt anyone. So you need to go as much as it will hurt and as much as you will suffer. You will find another job but never a love like him. If you don’t have the strength or mental capacity to look for another job, just leave. Take a 1 month break. Just do it. Walk out. it sucks but you can do it.
Some advice, I pursued the marriage and family with my husband. But 10 years later my love still lingered. After a mutual desicion to split from my husband, my lost love and revisited the affair and realized how much we were really meant to be together. We couldn’t stay apart. Unfortunately, the wife found out. Although I was told all along the marriage was ending, it wasn’t the marriage that ended it was the affair and my dreams to be with my soul-mate. He chickened out. My heart still aches and I miss him every minute. But I also know I must leave my marriage. I can’t stay with a man, when I actually love another. not fair to either of us. I know my love for this man will never stop. I tried for many years it never went away and never will. I live with the pain and the tears. Sadly and pathetically I still dream. Love is love. We don’t want to hurt anyone, we know what it would feel like but unless you have been there and have truelly been in-love and feel like your soul has truelly joined with another you will not get it. So forget all these “the world is black and white” people that offer critisim. They don’t know it, they haven’t been there. We are good people that just fell in-love. Just feel lucky that unlike most of these people, you have felt something that they may think they have felt but actually never have. The power of love can strike at any minute when two people meet. There will be only one person this will happen with. Leave him, leave the job, leave the husband and cry. ALOT!! You can do it. Who knows, you may end up together in the end but leave him for now. I am sure he is as devastated as you are but can’t leave out of guilt. In time he would resent you anyway if he did. You wouldn’t want that and it would destroy you. Let him work it out on his own time. I hope I can follow my own advise. Good Luck! You are not a bad person. To the contrary you just have a lot of love and I’m sure a lot of guilt.