Will I ever have a happy marriage? Will I find true love? I'm so scared that it's too late for me:?
I have thoughts that plague my mind…negative thoughts that I can’t shake. I just think that I’m going to end up like my mother… alone, never married, a ‘baby’s mama,’ broke, bitter, fat, depressed, and over bearing on my children. The other night I was just laying in bed trying to sleep and this thought just came to my mind: "I’ll never be nothing more than a baby’s mama."
That’s a horrible thing to think, but periodically that’s how I feel. The odds are really against me at this point. First off, some ungodly number like 70% of black females never get married. Then like 52% of all african american marriages fail in the first 5 years. I don’t even know the percentage of those who fail after 5 years. I feel so hopeless. Like I’ll never be happy in a relationship with a man. I look at the people around me, and that leaves me even more hopeless. I already mentioned my mother, my sister is in her late 20′s, with a kid (with no father) and no husband going from man to man. One of my good friends is also in her late 20′s with no one to call her own. The closest thing to a man she has is one guy who has 3 kids, no job and no where to live, and another guy who just wants to sleep with her.
I just don’t see anyone in a healthy relationship. Even the assistant pastor at my church wife cheated on him… and I thought they were a perfect match… let alone they are both almost 60.
It just seems that all down the line (no matter the age) everyone is alone and unmarried, or unhappily married. I don’t want that to be me, but the odds are definitely not in my favor.
I just feel like I should stay with the guy I’m with, settle for him… have his kids and get it over with. I have no one to talk to about this and my mind is just filled with this pollution. Just by looking at the people around me, it seems like there are no good men or good relationship out there. If I break it off with my current boyfriend, whose to say I will ever find another man. and if I do find another man, whose to say he won’t have crazy baggage, or just want me for my material things and my body.
I have faith in God, but its hard b/c even people in the church are alone and bitter. Why did God make the black race this way? THere is even an old lady in my church whose husband died many years ago. She has just been alone… all those years. What a depressing thing to think about.
Another example is my boyfriend’s mother. She got divorced over 10 years ago and hasn’t been with a man since. 10 years tho…10 years? That is so long. How can you go 10 years without the sweet embrace of a man… the strength of his touch, the warmth of his voice… the sex from his loins…lol… I enjoy sex. How could I go without it for 10 years? And in that time, she has fully dedicated her life to Christ, but she’s STILL alone.
I just need guidence on this issue. I’m starting not to believe in marriage. and as a matter of fact, I don’t know if I’ll ever have someone to spend my life with. I fear that if I leave my current bf, I’ll never know love again. And the sad thing is that I’m just 21…. I haven’t even really tapped into what real love really is…..
I feel so hopeless.
Tags: african american marriages, black females, closest thing, current boyfriend, Find Love, good friends, good relationship, Happy Marriage, job, mama, man to man, marriage, negative thoughts, Odds, perfect match, Plague, pollution, relationship, sleep, true love, ungodly number
You’re 21. You are still extremely young and possibly naive and disillusioned with everyone. I think that maybe with all the examples in your life, you haven’t seen what it’s like for other people out there. I have several Black friends and they’re all extremely successful and happy people who have stable, healthy, loving relationships with their partners. I wouldn’t generalize and say that all Black people are unhappy or will somehow be unhappy later on. You’re 21! You’re young!
Also, when you’re old and you’ve been with someone for decades and they pass away, trying to fill that void is impossible for some. My grandfather died of cancer in his late 60s and after almost a decade, my grandmother never found anyone else. But it’s also important to point out that she didn’t want anyone else. She had 6 children and 13 grandchildren in her life. As much as she missed her husband, she had a lot of happiness in her life w/ family and religion.
DO NOT SETTLE for someone just because you don’t think you can get what you want. Settling is probably the silliest thing because you’ll most likely end up unhappy and divorced. If you already know that your current boyfriend isn’t going to be the one you see yourself spending forever with, spare him and yourself and break up. There are millions of people out there, so why are you doubting the chances of you meeting someone wonderful and someone you’d want to spend forever with?
Also, some people cheat, or get a divorce, or stay together. Relationships are hard work. I wouldn’t categorize Black people and say that they are major failures in marriage because I know many happily married Black people. It’s about how much work the couple is willing to do to maintain a relationship. ANY relationship will fail if you don’t work at it…black, asian, white, etc. It doesn’t matter. 50% of marriages end in divorce. That statistic is for everyone of every race.
As for divorce, people divorce because they fall out of love or they didn’t want to work at it anymore or fell in love w/ someone else. My ex’s grandmother divorced her grandfather at 70. Then married someone else!
Don’t lose faith in love or marriage just yet. You’re young and you’ll have many years to figure this all out.
Calm yourself. If you spend all your time worrying about whether or not you’ll find happiness, you’ll miss the happiness you can have right now. Don’t worry about the statistics; they don’t matter. All that matters is you. Things always seem scarier than they are.