My wife says she loves me "very much" but she is not "in love" with me?
My wife and I have just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary on Nov-18th. we have been married since she was 18 and I was 22. We are now 34 and 38. We have 2 boys ages 7 and 12. She is a Nurse Anesthetist and is currently doing her residency. I guess it was right around our anniversary that i noticed something just wasn’t right. I asked her about it and she assured me it was nothing could explain and she said she would get over it. I decided to just drop it.Then that fateful day came when I had left the house for a little while and came back to find a letter that she was leaving and we needed to separate for a while. I freaked and immediately started calling her and texting to get her back home. I agreed we would go to counseling and after most of the afternoon she finally returned I helped her unpack and we talked, this is where I did what I always did and just blew her off and never really listened to what was happening. She told me that I never help around the house with laundry and dishes and with kids. While she works 65+ hrs a week. I am a local truck driver and work about 45 to 50 hrs a week. We never went to counseling and I said I would change and start helping and never realized I was still being the same old me and nothing had changed. She noticed and we fought again. I finally ended up leaving this time and realized that night I screwed up bad. I called her and said I was sorry, and I was coming home to make things work. She said thank you for trying. I came home the next day which was a last Friday and I washed all of clothes in the laundry room and put them away, I washed the dishes and put them away, their was also clean dishes in the dishwasher that I put away, I cleaned up the kitchen and had the boys squared away before she got home around 6pm. We talked for several hours when she got home and I assured her I changed and I really listened to her and never raised my voice at her not even once. She told me it’s just something she feels and has felt this way for over a year! She said it was something she needs to work on. I assured her this was the "new" me and I am a changed man and I was sorry it took this long for me to realize what I was doing. I think we made love that night then I went shopping with her on Saturday and we made love again that night. we went to church on sunday (something we hadn’t done in many years). We just talked for a while telling each other that we loved one another and made love again. Monday I went to work and she texted me that afternoon saying that she would be late working, I told her no problem that I had to drive to McAllen Tx that night which was 9 hours away and I would ask my mom to come sit with the kids. I went home that afternoon and washed dishes and done laundry and fed the kids and made their lunches and laid their clothes out for the next morning. I then called her and brought her a hamburger up to her work because she was hungary. She was just getting off and so we ate and talked a little. She assured me she loved me and that she was working on her "Issues". I told her everything was done at home and I left to go get in my truck. Drove all night thinking about us and got to where I was going at about 5:30a and unloaded at 7a. Still no sleep worrying about us. I called her on the way back and we calmly talked and this is when she told me she loves me more than anything but she’s not "in love" with me, because of all the time I treated her wrong by walking on her. She said she sees that I have changed and she was very happy that we can talk and she felt better about telling me. She also said she wished I had done this a very long time ago and that she was here and willing to get rid of her feelings and move on, but she needs help from a someone. Tonight we talked again and I assured her that I am forever changed and how much I love her, and I would be the best Dad, Husband and Friend she could ask for. I explained how sorry I was for doing her the way I had done over the years and that she was the best wife anyone could ever ask for. We both broke down crying, and after a little while we finished agreeing we would fix this. A little later we ended up making love again from kissing. This time it was very passionate. I don’t want to loose her and she don’t want us to end either she has an appointment with counselor on Monday and I do on the 22nd of December. I know she has anger about the past she needs to deal with and I am doing my very best still. She just don’t know how. I told her tonight that was done kissing up and I was just going to be the old me just an "updated" version. The guy she fell in love with before. I don’t want to drive her away by trying to hard. I am worried sick. Does anyone out there see her and us getting better? What could I do to help her fall in love with me again? I have a company Christmas Party Saturday night, she is very excited about that and so am I. What could I do to on this night to help re-spar
Tags: 14th wedding anniversary, 6pm, boys ages, clothes, coming home, counseling, dishes, dishwasher, fateful day, last friday, laundry room, leaving this time, love quot, nurse anesthetist
Sounds like you are both doing all the right things to make it work..Christmas party..look into her eyes and smile a lot..dance with her and hold her close..
yeah you guys will be ok
because u love her
and she loves you too deep inside
well, its been what a week of doing dishes, laundry and helping with the kids and your done kissing up… new updated version…. whoa buddy…. stop right there…. your not listening to her are you? she said she needs help, she works more hours than you, she fell out of love due to resentment (like anyone does) and you figure after a week of pulling some weight your done……
Newsflash….. just the fact she is sleeping with you is positive because I wouldnt sleep with someone I wasnt in love with…. your wife is basically telling you she doesnt feel in love with you (because she is mad) but she loves you…. which is the real stuff… the in love stuff is the infatuation we create in our relationships that eventually dies with the grind of life and the fact we start taking eachother for granted.
If you want your wife to be in love with you… keep pulling some weight around the house… be a good father and husband… take her seriously and listen when she speaks….. dont worry about all the fluff like flowers and romantic dinners…. working as much as she does she would appreciate the housework you do more. I told my husband eons ago… dont waste money on roses, I would rather you buy me a new coffee grinder so I can have fresh coffee in the morning… and make me a pot once in awhile…… thats love… when people put too much emphasis on hallmark moments, they set themselves up for failure…. reality is we are busy trying to survive, we get lost in the shuffle and forget what is important…. and what is important is your wife and your kids…..
Your wife is also becoming self sufficient and I think that scares you…. now its a question of her wanting to be with you, not having to be because a nurse anesthesiologist makes good money…. so perhaps thats got you going as well. Its actually better if someone stays with you because they want to, not because they have to.. it means they love you……
I wouldnt put too much weight into the old " I love you but I am not in love with you" … people dont even get what they are saying… its called being married for a long time and forgetting what infatuation is…. I feel the exact same way at times…. I love my husband but that butterfly feeling is gone and rightly so as I know everything there is to know about him… he is predictable… he is my best friend and I cant imagine life without him.
As for the company christmas party… just treat her like the most beautiful woman there… be attentive and if she allows hold her hand in public….. but dont be pawing her…
ok this is gonna sound weird but i bought my aunt and uncle a book called THE LOVE DARE by stephen and alex kendrick its from the writers of FIREPROOF and its like a 40 day step by step guide on things you can do for your spouse nothing pricey book costs 15.99 and i gave it to them after they had been married for 20 years and started having problems…..after 40 days their relationship improved and are going strong… its just a suggestion on top of counseling. good luck but i think you both will make it since you both love each other and want to work things out.
wow
thats a big question, took me lot of time to read… lol
buddy, u really tried a lot to save ur marriage. very good.
but ur wife is not really trying to appreciate the change.
its a good decision that both of u decided to go for counselling…
here are some things that could spice up your life:
be romantic (not just mechanical sex, but with lot of romance and sex)
surprise her with little gifts like roses etc;
go to church when ever u can
try doing things together ( like helping her in washing dishes along with her)
always have a SMILE on your face ( not a stupid smile but the one which she likes)
dont give her the feeling that u are desparate for her, at the same time make her feel that she is important.
make yourself worthy of becoming important to her.
best of luck.
i hope your wife also tries as much as u are trying to save the marriage.
your wife would be a fool if she cant forget the past despite the efforts you are putting in.
dont freak out if she leaves u bcoz it’s not your fault that she cant forget the past.
hopefully someone better might come into your life.
i think she is just threating u more and more bcoz u are kneeling before her.
YOU both need to watch the movie"FIREPROOF", I f you are both willing it will change your marriage. Watch it with just your wife & watch it more than once. It’s the BEST thing you can do for your marriage. Keep your Faith & head up….this will work. I PROMISE !!
Good Luck & Happy Holidays,
Stephanie