Is it right to fall in love with a smoker and drinker?
I met this guy & we’re teammates in the call center we’re working for.He’s cute, charming,witty,funny,was a High School teacher,Computer Science grad,a musician(he’s a bass player)& a hopeless romantic.The prettiest girl in our team even had a crush on him(she told me that since we’re close friends).But then,i never expected that someone like him would show interest to a shy & simple girl like me.He was so friendly to me that he always wants to talk to me,very caring & sweet to me.I was even amazed that when we exchanged seats, he sat next to me.He’s great to talk to & he talks to me about his fave music,asked my birthdate,where i live,other basic info,my cell number & even asked me to be the lead vocalist for the band that he will be forming.He said that he was sure i was the right person since they heard me sang in our training class(we’re still on the 2nd week of our training) Now,i just couldn’t imagine that this guy would adore me! He made me feel like the most beautiful, interesting & admirable girl in the world. His friends would subtlety tease me whether i have a date & i said no and his friends would look at him. My other female friend whom i told bout this told me that this guy would steal glances at me.I felt that this is what i have been waiting for bec. i never had a boyfriend ever(I’m still 21; he’s 23 & single).
But there’s a big problem: He smokes & drinks. You may raise your eyebrows & say "So What?" well, it’s bec. i have had enough domestic abuse in my family bec. my dad had a smoking & drinking problem. I even live separately now from my dad after i graduated College coz i just couldn’t take all the garbage & wastedness that my dad becomes whenever he was drunk.He just can’t quit. The guilt,anger & shame over our situation was too much.Bec. of my dad’s alcoholism, my mom left us even when i was still 6 years old.But i still love my dad,he’s the sweetest guy when sober but very emotional & argumentative when drunk. So now, i am so so afraid that my history would repeat itself & this time i’m afraid it’s going to be my own family that someday i will have. I don’t want to be judgmental, i just can’t help being careful & wise before making any stupid decision that i would regret for the rest of my life. It really confuses me bec. i am starting to fall for this guy & would actually want to go out with him. But the relationship i want to build with him if ever he asks me out will be a serious one & that someone i would consider marrying. But now i am struggling with so much fear in my heart, it’s so hard trying to deny that i am starting to fall for him bec. i don’t want to get hurt & find out what if he is just like my father who cares about his drinking more than his family,wife & kids. Now, i can’t help imagining about my fears and future regrets in my mind & i picture myself ten years from now:a battered wife,haggardly taking care of her little kids & here’s this guy whom i fell in love comes home drunk every night & fights with me alot & that he’s jobless or couldn’t find a decent job & he had no money but has money for his drinking sprees. I know i am a bit overboard but for me love is a choice not just a feeling or else i would end up being the victim stuck in a dysfunctional family line the rest of my life.I prayed to God about this that He will lead me the right way. I badly need some good advice from you guys…i don’t want to make the same mistakes all over again that my parents did that they ended up separated,it really is not a happy thing…I want to love but i don’t want to risk if it’s not worth it in the first place…Your opinion is very much appreciated & will help me realize many things before its too late…tnx
pardon if my question is bit long.Btw,i will still observe and know how often he smokes and drinks and figure out if he’s addicted to it or not.:)
Tags: 6 years, alcoholism, amp, bass player, call center, close friends, computer science, domestic abuse, Drinker, eyebrows, Fall In Love, fave music, female friend, girl in the world, guilt, high school teacher, Met, Musician, prettiest girl, simple girl, Smoker, subtlety, teacher computer, teammates, vocalist
Well, I can’t tell you yes or no for sure. I’m a girl who loves to drink and smoke but I know my limits. Guys on the other hand, they’re a little more mysterious. Before marriage, they seem to be really great people and the things that you are talking like abuse are things that don’t even enter your mind.
Most of the time before marriage, they try to impress you and they cover up themselves. During marriage when they know they have you for sure, they let out some of their secrets out. For all you know, further down the road he’ll start hitting you when he’s in drunken rage, not that I’m hoping that will happen.
My grade 7 teacher told me these exacts words and they’ve changed me surprisingly, she said "Colleen, you can’t change people, but you can influence others to change their ways." What she was trying to say is, you can’t just try to change the way somebody is but you can influence them to change their habits. YOU CAN INFLUENCE THIS MAN TO CUT BACK ON THE DRINKING AND SMOKING SO YOU BOTH COULD HAVE BETTER LIVES TOGETHER! You don’t have to tell him straight out "Stop drinking!" because he most likely will feel offended if he doesn’t. Once you know for sure that he’s cutting back or drinking on special occassions, then you can marry him or go further in your relationship. I’ll suggest waiting a few years before having children however to see if he changes his habits during marriage.
sure
shut up idiot
dear god. I will leave this question to the ladies. 1 paragraph is all my mind can handle.
I wouldnt go with a guy who smokes and drinks because if he drinks his additude could change in a sec and if he is a smoker he will live less.
You’re complicated. I think a man would have to smoke/drink to put up with you.
If you are going to post this much, I suggest you break it up into paragraphs (as a courtesy to the reader).
damn does this question have sparknotes??? but jus based off your headline i say smoking and drinking is pretty common despite the risks you cant hold that against anyone if you like the guy that do what feels right
Smoking and drinking aren’t so bad if they’re only occasionally. Constant smoking or alcoholism, though — get back!
who do you think you are a duke or something?
I didn’t read the novel you typed up….
BUT
if thats the kind of guy you can see yourself being together with, more power to ya.
Go with it.
well, it’s all right to fall in love with them but try to get them to go to rehab but if they say noo noo noooo then leave them. and also, idk if you’ve heard of it but there’s such thing as paragraphs you can use the enter key to separate them
no matter how attractive he looks, don’t go out with him. You even said yourself that you don’t want any abuse, and drinkers can be abusive… Not to mention that you’ll be getting second hand smoking from him!!!
sorry i didnt really read it all
but
sure you have the right to marry a smoker as long as you’re ok with it
i mean.. he can die sooner than you can
- sorry to brake it to you that way-
but you should know the consequences
he may beat you to death
i never knew that smoking was an abusive habbit, i don’t think that the smoking part is something to worry about except when you kiss him.
Well, I didn’t read it, but I’m going to go off of the title question. It is not bad to like a drinker or a smoker. It is a common thing, but maybe you could try to convince him to stop. But, as long as you don’t get cuaght up in the drinking and smoking. Because it can hurt you in the long run
it is ok but you may want to be cautious about that because alot of smokers or drinkers can get high or drunk and do things that they dont mean to do. i mean he could hurt you if he gets to high or drunk. its fine to fall in love with him if you really love him, but im just saying be cautious. oh and a little extra comment… either hes putting on a REALLY good act, or its true love or whatever you might call it.
smokeing and drinking has absolutly nothing to do with love.
drinking might cause problems in a relationship . all i can say is give him a chance and see how he really is, don’t judge someone by there habits until you know them better. hope this helps… have a good day.
that’s not a question that’s a novel
i red some and u said u are 21 and never had a boyfriend … no offence girl but even if he’s a crack addict u better fall in love with him …. i’m a smoker and i drink some times but lots of girls falled in love with me …
raper or a child molestor it’s not the same thing as smoker and a drinker
hope that answers your question
Just get to know him…. no one can judge him but you…. i smoke and drink sometimes and im not an @sshole i feel like it actually calms me and levels me out sometimes cuz i am also a musician….. artists need some weird things to keep them grounded if he needs to smoke and drink alittle then so be it just like him for him and not the couple dumb things he does…. if it ever becomes a problem be prepared to either help him or walk away…. i think he will be fine though
Wow.
That’s a solid block of text to wade through.
If you were interested in him, go to lunch to find out more.
Casually mention you don’t like smokers or EXCESSIVE drinkers.
Don’t bring any baggage with you, he is not the same person as your father. Be curious as to why he left teaching to become a Call Centre Person…
I must have missed the ‘love is a choice’ class at school though.
Um… I just skimmed through your VERY long question and I will sum it up for you in a nutshell :
Don’t get serious.
There is nothing wrong in being just friends with someone who drinks and smokes.
Dnt listen to any of them theyre too retarded to read! Yeah i can understand how you feel. But at the end of the day, in your heart if you feel there’s a better guy out there (no disrespect to your crush lol) for you then maybe you nd this guy cud be frends or tell him abwt your fears. If he respects your feelings then go out with him b4 its too late but if not hes not worth it. Am sorry you had to go thru all that crap. Good luck nd may god be with youxxxxxxx
if it’s just once in awhile, it would be considered "in moderation" but really if it’s got to be every weekend or even more, there will be a problem. my mom gave me some great advice, "Get one that’s already where you need him to be at, with not a lot of fixing yet to do"
if you have never had a bf before then that bumps your value up bigtime. you can afford to wait for better
good luck! ~blessss
try him he mite be a nice guy i also think r looking to far into the future if u do get really serious u could ask him to stop explain about ur past if he truley loves u then he will stop but if he ever gets agreesivev(verbily/physicly/mentally) u no were the door is
This is to long to really read, but it is OK. Just be sure he does not smoke around you or children, because second hand smoke can be just as dangerous to people who are around him.
If he has one or two drinks with a meal then it is OK, but if he has to come home and drink a six pack every night then you may be in for trouble.
Good Luck.
Ok this very hard to answer here smoking is not a bad problem.But the drinking is the part that I worry about you need to find out how often he drinks everyday? Once a week? Stuff like that I do feel for you I really do! But you need to be friends with this guy and see where you can take this to a relationship here or just be friends and that’s it.He’s not the last man on earth now there is others here! So do some soul searching first before you fall for any man! I too was a battered wife domestic voilence here!But drinking is a big red flag!
U need to tell him about yur dad. Just because someone drink doesn’t mean that they will be like yur dad. U need to let go of that and move on with yur life. What ur did yur dad was wrong but not everyone is like this. If u tell him he will understand why u may be acting differnt or even distant. He may be able to help u.
I understand not wanting to date unless you are serious about the person. I agree with you. However, if you are interested in a guy, it is a good idea to go out casually (i.e., as friends) and get a better picture of his personality. How he treats waitresses and how he acts with his buddies can tell you a lot about how he’d treat a wife. If hanging out as friends makes you feel comfortable with him as a potential mate, THEN you can consider dating. If his drinking/smoking makes you uncomfortable, you can talk to him about it at that point. Be honest with him (but I wouldn’t bring it up until you are ready to consider dating) about why it makes you uncomfortable. If he’s the right guy, he would understand and modify his behavior and you could start dating. If he didn’t get why this is a problem for you, then obviously he wouldn’t be worth dating but you could have still made a good guy friend.
I spent time becoming friends with my husband before we started dating, and that was very good for us. We established what our beliefs and morals were and what we each wanted out of life in a more relaxed way because we weren’t "dating" right off the bat. We were honest with each other because we were interested in developing a friendship before a dating relationship, so when we did start dating we already knew we could be compatible. Today we are happily married and he is still my best friend.
well first of all God says not to marry not Christians, but he also says to help and witness to those who don’t know better and it sounds as if ur boyfriend doesn’t understand the consequences that may become of his actions, u should try and persuade him otherwise,, even tho i don’t mind the occassional drink slash smoke myself
There is at least one problem with falling in love with a smoker and a drinker. At least if the relationship becomes permanent
I speak from experience of my in laws. He drinks and smokes heavily. Both smoking and drinking are extremely expensive, and over the last 50 years my father in law has smoked and drunk his family into poverty. I work out that he has spent roughly half a million dollars over the last 50 years and his entire family have suffered.
Not a problem if the relationship lasts a short while, but if it keeps up then that’s a major problem
Counseling or rehab will do the trick. good luck