Why do I always suspect my husband of cheating?

I don’t know why… but my husband is very suspicious around me. He says he isn’t, but he definitely is. He never calls his mom in front of me, and when she does call he won’t answer in front of me. He always says ” oh we’re busy, I’ll call her tomorrow”. He gets constant calls (about 8 a day or more) from 800 numbers…. and this one 414 number. We do have a few debts so when he says they are bill collectors, they very well could be. He does EMS and sometimes he comes home late for work.

I used to work at the same company and I know that at times I’d be 3 hours late coming home.

Usually when he takes a shower, he brings his cell in there with him(I do the same so I don’t miss important calls).

He also brings his laptop but he uses it to play music. I never go on his laptop or through his phone. I have went through his phone before and it always starts fights so I stopped doing it. A lot of times there were hurtful things on there. Him flirting with his co-worker, his mom texting him about divorce papers being in(We’ve since healed our marriage and shredded them months ago). He moved 1 hr 10 mins away from his mom.

He moved 1 hour 45 mins from his job. He didn’t want to give up his job or friends or even college for new ones. He killed the car in mileage for 2 years, then finally got laid off from his one job. I got him hired down here, so he finally quit the other one. He tries to say he “quit” that job for me… but i’m sorry. when you move, you accept the fact that you need to find new friends, new jobs, and what have you. He always puts it on me though. He still isn’t very accepting of going to school down here or making friends.

He throws a fit anytime i bring it up. Our pastor, aka our marriage counselor, said for him to permanently “delete” that girl the he flirts with from his life. He still hasn’t. Anytime i mention her he bursts out into anger. She got married and texted him right after. He said he doesn’t want to get rid of her because thats His “best friend”. I thought i was his best friend? “Oh you know what i mean hun” is his excuse. When his phone rings, I don’t answer it. I’m scared he will get mad at me for answering it.

I mean, I am his wife after all, but I want to respect his privacy. I do believe in whats yours is mine though. Other than these things, there really hasn’t been that many issues. We are definitely in love more than ever… but he just lies all the time, even about stupid things that don’t matter. I was cheated on in a previous relationship and always told myself I’d never marry a cheater. Well after we got married he told me he lied about it and used to cheat all the time, but he grew out of it.

Why do I always think he is cheating? Why do I never feel like I have enough of his heart? Could it be because of his lies and deceit?

Could it be because I’m scared to get cheated on again? I know his family hates me… and that already makes him love me less. I can never go to any family functions…. and he never says anything about it. He doesn’t always make me feel like a queen. He barely listens to me. He never listens to my advice.

He only wants to do what he wants to do and doesnt care about my desires, plans or dreams. Its like he still thinks he is single. I really dont know what to do. Maybe if i get him to have the mindset of a husband instead of a single man, things would be better. Who knows how id do that though. I could sit and write here all day. But the point is… I dont feel treasured. I feel taken for granted way too often. It’s almost like that book/movie. “he’s just not that into you”….. only this one married me, then realized it.

It sucks and hurts but i love my man and dont even believe in divorce if i wanted to. How do I get him to be more honest? really, i think if he wasn’t so suspicious, I wouldn’t always assume the worst. I know they say if someone thinks someone is cheating, its usually because the other person is and they are self conscious about it. Honestly, I am not cheating. I’m very faithful. I just wish he even cared enough about me to put a real ring on my finger. He’d rather waste money on video games. I’m a very gorgeous thick mid 20 year old woman. I have gained about 10 pounds recently… but this has been ongoing for quite some time idk.

What do you think? advice? suggestions? tips to get him to love me more?

Thanks everyone,
I just wanted to re-iterate that to my knowledge has had NEVER cheated on me before… but he said he was a manwhore to his ex’s in the past.

I’ve talked to him and our pastor about all of these issues. The pastor put everything on me. I don’t know why. Anyway, my husband definitely has self esteem issues. I always tell him confidence is sexy, etc, etc. and always try to lift him up and make him see what I see.

I know he’s not cheating now. But I dont know if he did before or not. We just moved. But for some reason, anytime he brings up a female partner, and talks about her all the time…. I just don’t like it. It makes me un-easy. I do have self love and whatever else, I’m just too optimistic that it sometimes blinds me and causes me to be naive.

Thank you all for your advice. I just wish he’d tell the world about me on his websites(even though our status is “married” on them) & buy me a real wedding ring. Our marriage is only as strong as our ring! <3 Fake rings = flimsyness

  1. Dr Freddy, 22 April, 2010

    Move on move on nothing for me here new better life for this girl

    Good luck with it

  2. LilyPlasticGunsGoPop!, 22 April, 2010

    First of all; he’ll never love you more. CALL HIS MOTHER YOURSELF! Find out what’s going on!! Sit down with him at dinner and say "what the hell is going on?!"

  3. Happy to Help, 22 April, 2010

    You need to talk to him, just lay it all out on the line. If you mean anything to him, he’ll talk about it and be honest. If you don’t matter he won’t talk and he’ll get mad. Either way you’ll know your answer and you can move on.

  4. Amber Cullen, 22 April, 2010

    Let me start off by saying this, A woman’s intuition is almost always NEVER wrong. If you have a feeling he’s cheating, chances are he probably is. I went through this myself. Naturally, I was right. His phone became his 3rd arm… he slept on it and it was by his side 24/7. He had cheated before…basically he was a man w*h*ore before I met him… I should have known. I would go as far to say that once a cheater always a cheater… but if the suspicion is there… then I’d look more into it. If he’s not willing to stop the things that hurt you, then yea, I hate to say it… he just doesn’t want it anymore. There is a such thing as emotional cheating too… I know as hard as it is, you’re going to have to deal with the fighting part and get it all out…in front of the pastor/marriage counselor. You have to call men out girl… or they’ll make you look like the bad guy. good luck.

  5. TrustingT, 22 April, 2010

    This is a "mess" marriage. You attend church, you believe in God, so pray for your marriage and your future. It’s a good possibility this was not the man God wanted you to love forever. Continue to be a Proverbs 31 woman and understand what your marriage should be like (Ephesians 5). It can only get better and it really needs to.

  6. fairlady, 22 April, 2010

    trust your instinct
    Its usually right 99.99% of the time
    you may also be insecure, if you feel that way, do something to make yourself feel better

  7. Here’s your change, 22 April, 2010

    Your husband hasn’t exactly given you any reason to have any trust in him.
    Especially when he told you he had cheated on you all the time.

    You have to wonder who the man is that stands before you, because he sounds like a total stranger from the one you fell in love with.

    You can always look up the 414 phone number.
    Go on the computer and look up under white pages.
    Then there will be a reverse # look up.
    At least you will know whom is calling your husband.

    As far as his family not liking you, there had to have been a reason.
    And no telling what he’s been telling his family about you so there won’t be any kind of communication between you and them.

    Your husband sounds immature and shady.
    Even though you don’t believe in divorce, is this really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?

  8. Lady, 22 April, 2010

    Wow, a lot you have to say.

    Sadly. He is cheating. Most definitly cheating. Your husband, boyfriend w/e should never take a call "privately" when you are around. You are your partners best friend, he should have nothing to hide from you. Unless he works for some secret agent company…"realisticly he isn’t!?"

    You are in denial, you need to wake up. Move on, and get the facts in your head. His excuses are shamful. You are so insecure with herself, that you know that he is cheating but you want to do something about the relationship, because it is somewhat of a game to you. That he is yours, and you want him to fall in love with you all over again.

    First, stop with questioning him, stop with the suspecion, assume he is cheating. And get your shit together. Keep yourself busy, do your own thing. Do you want to live your life? Assuming, or being worried that your husband is with another woman?

    Once someone crosse’s that line, he’ll always cross it again! Don’t think that this is a one time thing. Adults know from right and wrong, and if he is doing this, which sadly it seems he is "sorry" but I am not going to sugar code it for you. He is aware of his wrongful doing. Do what is right for you, and make future arrangements and get him out of your life.

    If it is because you are unsure if he is really doing this. Hire a Private Investigator? I mean, it seems odd but if you are really unsure even thought all signs point to YES he is. Then go forward, or proceed in doing some investigation yourself.

    You know the truth, it is because you do not want to believe the truth. Stop wasting your time, you should be happy and not insecure about your relationship. Everyone deserves to be treated well and to feel confident in their relationship. Once that is gone… the relationship is over.

    I hope you trust yourself, and move forward.

    …. He doesn’t deserve you.


  9. sweety pie, 22 April, 2010

    the answer to you, is in your question…. you yourself have asked "why do i always suspect my husband?" first of all marriage is not just a thing like that you have to bond well together to start a new lease of life as matured man and wife. only then you will be able to lead into good famil life and raise up kids. let us keep all this aside now and focus on your problem. my sincere suggestion to you would be to jus start liking him the way he is. jus adore all this simple and cute actions and share a smile whenever you see him. dont think that it would be funny to smile at him all through the day. you can hug him when he is not aware and express your love to him. always don’t expect a man to initiate the love interest. also u have mentioned that he never speaks to his mom in front of you, even if she calls him… this means, he is so considerate about you that he doesn’t want you to be upset on hearing / seeing what they two exchange over the phone. it might be about your married life, so he is protective of you that he doesnot want his mom to know anything bad about you. why dont you think it this way??????????? put yourself in his shoes and analyse the matters so that you will be in a better state of mind to understand. also think how bad your husband would feel when he comes to know that u r suspecting his actions and asking for a suggestion on the net…… so please stop worrying abt all these and the past. i always feel that family problems get aggrevated because it is we women who start discussing it in the open and men never let even their best friends know anything bad about their wives however bad they might be. so stop thinking about all that had happened between the two of you and put an end to the suspicious attitude of yours. i am not here to instruct you to do this but it is a sincere advise from a lady who has come across all such hurdles in life. ALL THE BEST FOR YOUR FUTURE. I honestly wish you two a better and happy married life. :-)

  10. Ryde-on, 22 April, 2010

    Fat and paranoid is no way to go through life.

  11. E-Counselor, 22 April, 2010

    Awwww, honey, my heart goes out to you.
    I believe in a God-based marriage. If the marriage is based on God, it’s based on unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness. This means if he messes up or you mess up, it’s not a dealbreaker because the marriage was based on something larger than the two of you to begin with.
    Plenty will say "leave him. you deserve better." You do deserve to be treated better, okay. But, if you leave a man for falling short of perfect, you will be leaving a man for the rest of your life.
    You can’t make a person like you, love you or want to be with you. You must know that the way he is treating you is not a reflection of who you are, but a reflection of who he is. From what you just described, he is an insecure person who seeks attention from all the wrong people.
    The Bible says that we win our husbands over through our actions, not words.
    Don’t waste any more time trying to discuss this with him. At this point, all he hears is nagging when you approach the subject. Furthermore, you already know the answer. His relationship with this woman is inappropriate, at best. He is using her and that relationship to boost his own self-image and feel more worthy as a person.
    Whether there was penetration and whether she is married is almost irrelevant. It’s already wrong as two left shoes and anything else just makes it even more wrong. The line has already been crossed.
    He doesn’t want you in his phone because he doesn’t want his dirt exposed.
    That doesn’t mean your marriage is over or you should leave.
    I think that you need to enter into a deep prayer, daily. Pray for you, your husband and your union. Pray that God reignites your husband’s passion for you and has him to fall in love with you all over again, every day. God will honor that prayer, honey, because God tells us in his word that we have authority over our husbands, so therefore, we can ask these things. Ask God to protect your husband from temptation and remove the taste from his mouth for all other women. Pray for your husbands manhood and leadership skills. Pray that your husband truly takes on a new meaning in his spiritual life, so that he feels complete and secure and isn’t walking blindly, seeking attention.
    And, start focusing on you. Do things to make yourself feel good. Shopping, exercising, meditating, talking to friends, whatever makes you feel good about you! This situation calls for patience. If you want your marriage to work, it requires that you wait on God to move. No need to be miserable while you’re waiting. Enjoy life. Celebrate yourself. The renewed confidence is an aphrodisiac by itself, and your husband will find it attractive. 😉
    Email me if you need referrals or recommendations. I have lots of resources at my fingertips.

  12. letterstoheather, 22 April, 2010

    Your husband likely already DOES love you —

    You seem to be very insecure and have low self-esteem. If you worked on these things, hon, you might realize your insecurities are the result of your past relationship. That being said, i think it’s rather odd for a man to have a "best friend" who is a woman. I’m sorry, but it’s just wrong, unless you, your husband, the best friend and her husband are all friends and do things together as couples. Many couples do hang out together, as you know. Does this woman’s new husband know she has a man for a best friend? I have to wonder how he’d feel about it. I bet he doesn’t have a clue!

    You say "we are definitely more in love than ever" then you go on to say he lies, doesn’t listen to you, his family hates you (i wouldn’t worry about in-laws, most are strange), and that you don’t trust him.

    If i were in your position, i’d go to a real therapist, not a pastor. I’d seek marriage counseling and WORK the program. It takes a bit of effort to succeed in therapy, but it can be well worth the work. You and your spouse will gain insight into each other, yourselves, and the REAL issues at the root of these problems. I really do believe it’s worth some serious consideration.

  13. teenie, 22 April, 2010

    You can not make a man love you either he does or he doesn’t it’s that simple. Your husband doesn’t know what love is or just isn’t ready to fully comment to being a good husband. He knows right from wrong so he knows keeping another woman’s number is totally wrong but yet he chooses to keep it. Your right what is his is your and vice versa so you have every right to answer his phone and to look in his computer. If he wasn’t hiding anything he wouldn’t care if you answered his cell phone or checked out his computer. Only the guilty have something to hide remember that. My husband cheated on me and he did everything your husband is doing. Like you I also had that horrible feeling that he was cheating on me this was before I knew.I just wish I would have followed my gut feel maybe I could have caught it before it got to that point but like you I didn’t want him mad at me. A wife should always come first just like your husband should come first with you. That means he should always think of you before doing anything. Always putting you first before friends and job should be his first priority as your husband. He knows he is hurting you but yet he continues with the same behavior by keeping another girls number. Weather it’s an old friend or co-worker makes no difference it’s so insensitive and definitely not the behavior of a caring and loving husband. I know these are harsh words but you need to hear them. He may indeed love in his own way but that isn’t good enough if he can’t give you his all then he shouldn’t have married you. If you keep letting him get away with the things he is doing or should I say not doing then he will just keep on treating you this way. He isn’t ready to do what it take to be a husband and from the sound of it he wants to have the freedom of a single man but wants you there to take care of him. He needs to learn what it takes to be a married man that means you have to teach him you need to put your foot down when he does something inappropriate. Stop worrying about him getting mad at you he will get over it.
    Married 31 years and we are best friends and we do everything together if I’m not with him then he doesn’t want to do it. We still love each other very much. The first year was very hard we came so close to splitting up and we would have but 9 months after we were married I got pregnant thank god for that because that give us the hold we needed.

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