Why does my ex boyfriend keep coming back then breaking up with me again?

I will try and make this short- over a year ago my ex boyfriend broke up with me. We were actually engaged, to be married this past September. Over the past year, we have gone from not speaking, to being friendly, to being full fledged back together, to breaking up- several times. He has come back to me probably 4 times since he first ended things, and the last time was around this past New Years Eve.

We had been living together and I moved out when he ended things. I moved about 4 hours away, back to my hometown. He came out here around New Years, we had a good weekend, talked about being back together, he said he loved me, etc. He even said while he was here that he would marry me the next weekend if that’s what I wanted, but of course that would be rushed and I said I would rather wait and plan something low key but special.

He left and not two days later he called me and told me what he did every other time he broke up with me- he’s depressed, he doesn’t feel the way he should about the relationship, etc. And he ended things. He said he is also unhappy with the business he runs and he wants out, he isn’t making enough money, etc. I asked several times what the real reason for breaking up with me is and he said he can’t put his finger on one particular incident or reason, just that he gradually changed. I was devestated and could barely function for over a week after this.

He told me via text last week that he talked to his parents and he is going to talk to a therapist about his depression/unhappiness. He said that we can’t keep doing what we’re been doing because it’s too hard for both of us.

He is 30 years old, by the way. I love this man, and I cannot picture my life or future without him in it. I would have stood by him through anything, no matter what, but he has pushed me away several times now. I feel like I can barely breathe I miss him so much. I kept taking him back because he is a good person and I believed him when he told me he loved me and wanted to be together. Now I feel like a fool.

What should I do? I know I have to leave him alone, but its so hard- he was my best friend. Beofre anyone says there is someone else- I know for a fact there is not. We both have dated other people this year we’ve been apart, but I am best friends with his now roommate and I would know for sure if someone else was in the picture. So, how do I proceed? If he really is depressed, I want to be there for him. But I don’t want to chase him either. Adivce?
He now says he cannot continue forward with me because he has doubt about the future, and cannot enter into a marriage with doubt. I understand that, and would not want him to be with me if he wasn’t sure anyway. Should I wait for him to come along? I can’t stand the thought of losing him, but don’t want to hold on to someone that doesn’t want me, either…

  1. ddominic, 15 May, 2010

    Honestly I think both of you should wait and let things cool down. First of all, your boyfriend needs to work on his issue of depression before anything. If he broke up with you and got back together again and again repeated then things haven’t been calm, and already marriage is the talk. Not a good way to be in a long term future commitment as husband and wife when problems are just starting. I suggest you be there for him as friend for the time being. It is too difficult to be his girlfriend and go through the on and off again and breakups. He needs to deal with his depression and unhappiness in a therapeutic way first. You can be there to support him and attend his sessions together. But for the time being, you can be a good friend hopefully your relationship will blossom again for a new beginning by spending time with him and making sure he attends his sessions. Definitely both of you are not ready for mariage until he becomes a change person knowing how to deal with his depression and feelings.

  2. scott s, 15 May, 2010

    These come and go relationships can be painfully miserable for both of you two on occasions.
    Stop beating each other up and get to some therapy together.
    His supposed depression and dependancy for you is getting in the way of some good thinking and a good relationship…namely yours.
    You don’t have to put up with all his ups and downs sweety,…but he does.

  3. sunshine63, 15 May, 2010

    He’s doing this because continue to allow him to do it. Maybe he is depressed, but don’t let him have you depressed too. If he needs help, let him get it, but you need to stay away until he’s stable. If you don’t, I think you’ll need to see a therapist soon.

  4. Crystal, 02 March, 2013

    Honestly, I was just in the exact same situation a little while ago. To tell the truth, honey, if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew he was depressed, I would swear he was simply trying to start some drama, toy with your emotions. If he starts getting better and he’s still doing this, you may be in an unhealthy relationship. I believe after things cool down a bit, you may want to try and support him. My older brother has depression. Be warned, if he becomes even more distant, though, he may start to have thoughts of suicide. Please do not, whatever you do, start to panic. It will only make things worse on both him and yourself.

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