Husband and I are not getting along. He's finally starting to try, but I think it might be too late…?
We have been married for 20 years next month. I am a stay at home mom with a 13 and 17 year old kids. I feel unappreciated for everything I do (everything except the yard work) but that’s just part of the problem. Although my hubby says he loves me, he really doesn’t show it. We have this pattern of things going fine for awhile, I get frustrated, blow up and tell him what’s wrong, he changes for a while but in about 3 weeks, he’s back to his old ways again. He’s trying and even my daughter told me he’s trying, mom, he really is, but I don’t know how many more times I can keep this up. The difference this time is that I’m not "running back to him" like I usually do. I hate conflict and it kills me inside to have this going on. I’m very frustrated and angry and have quite honestly thought about the greener grass, but realize it has it’s problems too… I’m feeling stuck… Any words of wisdom out there?
PS… He has a lousy relationship with his mom and I think he really doesn’t know how to relate to women. I asked about all of his previous relationships and he said they all broke up because "the new wore off". I asked him what was different about me….hoping for some awesome statement… He said, basically it was because I stuck around… 
To give a bit more detail… I have been working off and on part time throughout the years. My husband likes to be the sole breadwinner and rather discouraged me working, especially full time, so I could stay at home with the kids. After the summer I do plan on finding a job since our oldest is graduating. We got married when I was 19 and really had no idea about love or marriage.
I’d also like to add that there have been several years of verbal abuse to not only myself or my children. He believes marital counselling is a "last resort" and isn’t interested in going. I have given everything to my husband and my family…I just want to be loved in return…that’s all…
Oh and for those of you who think there’s another man…there’s not!
Tags: breadwinner, conflict, finding a job, full time, greener grass, Home Mom, home with the kids, hubby, last resort, love, marital counselling, marriage, part time, quot, relationship, relationships, stay at home, stay at home mom, verbal abuse, words of wisdom
If you were on a diet, let’s say, you could possibly keep motivating yourself to stay on it for 3 weeks, right? Then it gets sort of hard, you lose focus, and the next thing you know, your "fat" jeans are tight again. But what if you had a personal trainer visit you every week for three months? This trainer would remind you of your goals, praise you for your progress, and encourage you about what to continue and what to try differently as you progress. And after 3 months, the changes you have made in your diet and lifestyle would have permanently changed, because they would have become engrained.
You need to be your husband’s "personal trainer" regarding your marriage, and stop with this "pattern" you describe. You two can change things if you want, but not by you getting frustrated and blowing up periodically. Instead, make a change program, and stick to it, and follow up with it.
Several years ago, when my wife and I were having problems, we started having weekly meetings, whether we wanted to or not. Every Wednesday at 6:00 PM, she and I would sit down with notebooks and pencils, and we would discuss how things had been going in our marriage, what we wanted from each other, whether any progress had been made since the last time we had met, etc. And, because we paid attention to our marriage and worked on it regularly, it did get better. As I said, that was years ago. Nowadays, we don’t need such meetings, and our marriage is a happy one.
stay at home mom? who is paying for the kids college that is coming soon….
do you have the 100k each that they will need….at least 100k each….
you should be ashamed …you could have been working and participating much more for the family….
wow…
After 20 years,try counseling before you just give up! Too much time invested.
How can you so easily throw 20 years away? You didn’t even list anything in your question that was an absolute marriage deal breaker! Think of your children.
seems to me that after 20 years of marriage, this complaint would have been long dead and gone. i wonder how your husband is feeling? we women have lots and lots of feelings due to our being homemakers and wives.
you said "we have this pattern of things going fine for awhile"….naaa…YOU have a pattern of things going fine for a while. HE ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE! why do you need HIM to change so you can be happy? what can YOU change so YOU can be happy?
after 20 years….you should know how to handle this one already.
sounds like you might have your eye on another man.
I can tell you this, 20 yrs. is a lot to throw away.
If you think you are unhappy now, you will be miserable if you bust up your family.
I am a firm believer that women should be independant. Get a job and learn to be independant. Your children are in school, no need for you to be home.
He hasnt changed he has always been this way. And you accepted it. Now your just tired of it but he isn’t changing, he is the same man you married.
Wow, that’s a bad reason for what’s different about you. Well, if you’ve been together for 20 years, it’d kinda be a waste to throw it all away. And well, honestly, think more about your kids. Sure they’re teens already, but if you have a divorce it can really affect them. So i think you should stay together, if not for love, then for your children.
I beleive that there are bad marraiges that develope as time goes on, not right from the start. I also beleive that there is no magic answer to make some marraiges work such as yours. Im in a very similar one and there really isnt anything that can make things change. The way I see it, is if I need my wife to change that much to make things work, then, she most likely isnt the right person for me to begin with. Sometimes you gotta throw in the towel instead of expecting miracles.
In men’s terms busting @ss and providing for your family is a way of showing love.
Additionally , after 20 years with you his relationship with his mom means little in how he relates with you.
My words of wisdom to you are that if you want him to treat you like he used to, then act the way you used to.
Instead of you demanding he treat you and act differently while you do the same old thing, you can easily change his behavior by changing your own.
Edit: and when I say change your own , I don’t mean by complaining and demanding more.
I mean by changing in a positive way.
You really haven´t conveyed anything that would be an issue in your relationship of 20 years… what it really sound like is that you are pretty selfish and know a litte about life. It seems to me that you have your eyes set in another man and are just making a how bunch of bogus excuses to leave. Wake up 20 years is a long life together work on your marriage.