How can my wife and I peacefully resolve this issue?
I have severe obsessive/compulsive disorder. One of my phobias is of mayonnaise. This particular phobia is the worst of all of them. And it is severe. My wife and I have been married for about 22 months. She is aware of the severity of my phobia.
Through gradual exposure, I have gotten better in terms of the anxiety and the OCD. I am taking meds and seeing a therapist (more than one). My wife sometimes believes that I do not want to get better. I feel as though she tries at times to force me to get better against my will.
Last night, my wife ate something that had mayo on it. She came home and told me that she would brush her teeth. I had respectfully asked her before to please just brush her teeth right after eating any mayonnaise. She agreed to that. But last night, she didn’t do it- at least not immediately. This caused me to have trouble breathing and a panic attack. Ever since last night, we have been angry with one another. It seems that rather often, there is a struggle for power and control. I admit that I am controlling. It is quite obvious to me that this is so. But my wife often rebels against my wishes, and it makes me feel disrespected. This is how I feel now.
She did say that she is sorry I felt disrespected. But my anxiety is still bothering me, and she isn’t assuring me that this won’t occur again. I feel like I make many concessions, and I often do things for my wife that I do not want to do, but I do them anyway because I love her. I felt unloved and disrespected last night. Am I entitled to my feelings?
This afternoon, she asked me how long I am going to "punish" her. I am frowning all the time and I feel upset. She said she wants her husband back.
How can we resolve this issue?
Tags: anxiety, concessions, feelings, mayonnaise, obsessive compulsive disorder, ocd, panic attack, phobia, phobias, rebels, severity, struggle for power, teeth, trouble breathing, unloved
The problem lies not with her, but with you; I do not like mayonnaise and will not eat any of it, but I do not begrudge others the pleasure should they choose it. I do not have phobic reactions to condiments of any kind. By all means, see your therapist, but do not try to transfer the problem to her until the time you finally resolve it; that is common sense and maturity!
First you are going to have to forgive her. If this is the most that happens between you then you should have a long marriage. It might help for her to speak to your therapist as well so that she understands how OCD affects you.
You need to see your therapist over this. You are being irrational, and you probably already know that. Don’t punish your poor wife over something so trivial.
You need to get some therapy… or you could do your wife a favor by getting a divorce. Your irrational behavior is going to eventually wear too thin on her.
Good luck. i hope you find peace.
You are always entitled to your feelings. However, at a certain point, you have to ask yourself whether your anger is constructive.
Teenagers rebel. If you perceive that your wife is rebelling against you, it seems that you feel you are her father. This isn’t constructive, either.
Living with a person who has an intrusive mental illness is incredibly difficult. I suggest that you and your wife seek counseling to come to better common ground.
On this issue, I suggest you let it go. She is the woman whom you love. Put aside your anger for the sake of both of your happiness.
EDIT: I admire that you are seeking a "peaceful" solution.
First realize that you are asking your wife to give up things that are not harmful to her or you, just your own personal quirks. she gives them up when with you , that should be adequate. I seriously doubt you would ever have even known she had eaten mayo if not told. Your asking her to report eating it is like making yourself her personal police and confessional then doling out whatever punishment you see as fitting.
She has done nothing wrong! She has not caused you any harm in any way.Your controling efforts are way out of line. Your emotional demands and withdrawal iare a form of punishment that is both juvenile and abusive in this relationship. I would expect to see a divorce in very short order. No woman deserves such disrespect from her spouse.
This sounds more like a dictatorship than a true marriage. What you are demanding as "respect " is way out of normal bounds. Your panic attack was brought on by your own self inflicted rules and beliefs. Not anything she did. What you see as power and control issues, are more a serious illness /disorder on your part . Her efforts to cope with an extremely demanding and unmoving spouse show she has far more strength and endurance than most women would have for such bizarre treatment . Get some help before you lose your wife completely. The road you are on now is not going to take you anywhere you want to go. Withdrawal and cold shoulder treatment is never the answer.For goodness sake don’t bring any children into this world or you’ll make emnotinal wrecks out of them , too! OCD is often passed down in families
your wife should respect you, however I think to make her brush her teeth immediately after is a little over the top, my advice would be not to dwell on it.She said she was sorry, that should be enough, depending on exactly how this went down (which I don’t know) you might even own her an apology as well.
Regardless of the OCD or not, you need to let it go. It’s a part of marriage. I have a mild case of OCD and I understand how violated one can feel when these rules that you explain go ignored and at times, purposely done to annoy you but it comes with the territory of being married…..OCD or not. It’s simple, let it go. Good luck.
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Your first problem is you are seeing more than one therapist my friend. They would never allow that if they knew…conflicting to you, and each other. Pick one…
Secondly, tell her you are going to get her husband from wherever you stashed him…and give him back….let her be his problem
enough said….
As a person whose husband also suffers from anxiety issues, I encourage you to put yourself in her shoes. Living with a person who has phobias and anxiety is often very difficult to understand. Here you have a person who has totally irrational thoughts/fears/issues and you are forced to make changes to your own lifestyle to accommodate them, no matter how ridiculous it seems to you. It is a very difficult position to be in and it can cause resentment between both parties. It’s very hard for a person without a phobia to understand or empathize with a person who has them.
You admit that you are controlling, so she is probably resentful of the situation she is in. It sounds like your wife needs to attend a few of your therapy sessions so your doctor can help her understand more fully what you are going through, and what the process is of helping you get over your anxiety, and how she can be more supportive in that process. But also understand that her point of view is also legitimate. She is in a difficult position, and your anxiety issues directly affect HER quality of life as well.