My husband gets angry over very small things, what can I do?

My husband has been getting angry at me over small things. I’m not sure what to do when this happens. Here is the latest example, and had I known it was going to send him into a rage I wouldn’t have done it.

my husband gets mad easilyTwo days ago I thought I’d joke with him. So I sent my friend a text and told her I thought it would be funny if she send him a Facebook message telling him to get offline so I could use the computer…

So, she did, which I knew I wasn’t going to go online and I told him so. So, he responded to her “Well, I think she was going to take a nap, but okay.”

And then he got off of the computer and I responded to his response by saying “I always take a nap because he’s always on the computer! Just kidding!!”

So then later he saw what I said, which I was totally joking and he got really angry at me and said I was disrespectful. I didn’t get mad because I thought it was silly to be mad over such a small thing. So, I did not react to his outrage.

It made him more angry and he said I was cold, that I was raised to be a hard @ss. Every time we get into any SMALL fight it turns into something greater from him, how I’m a terrible person, how my whole personality is screwed up.

How I’m not a woman, how I’m not what he wanted. I’m not sweet enough (but I make sure supper is ready and he has a cold glass of water when he walks through the door after work, I clean the house and work). He even threatened me with divorce over it! I said I was sorry even though I don’t know what I did.

He only seems to calm down and love me again if I get upset enough to cry….

So my question is, is this something he really should have gotten angry about? Was I disrespectful even though I thought I was only joking?

Could it be that my husband is bipolar? How should I handle these situations? What should I say? What should I do?

Should I leave until he calms down?

I just don’t understand why he gets angry over small things, and once he does get angry it turns into cut down after cut down about how I am a bad person.

What should I do? Could he possibly be bipolar?

Thank you.

  1. LadyTee88, 08 October, 2010

    Your situation sounds similar to what I’m coming to terms with right now with my mother. She was (and to some extent still is) an angry, unpredictable, and critical person with unresolved issues. She claims there is nothing wrong with her life that she can’t handle but it is more than obvious to everyone around her that she can’t handle it all. It’s been this way for years. I agree with some earlier comments that suggest something might be bothering your husband (i.e. work, family life, various insecurities). From what you’ve described his problem doesn’t sound like Bipolar disorder, however that does not mean he is free from a mental disturbance of some kind. Most likely your husband is suffering from Depression and like a teenager unable to cope with hormone change is "acting out". Even more, it appears, like my mother, your husband is projecting or making his insecurities (i.e. being cold, a terrible person, screwed up) your problems. In this case, his insecurities are easier to deal with when he feels he’s not dealing with them alone or his at all. You must remember that your husband is not thinking rationally and will say and behave in ways that is intended to protect himself. It is NOT your fault. I would definitely take steps to encourage him to seek professional counseling.

    Most importantly, you must remember that although you love your husband, you MUST look after your own well being and mental health. Understand that you are no help to you, your husband or your marriage if you foster his false accusations about your personality/character. Thus, his participation in therapy is not just for him, it is also for you. As he begins to deal with his own issues, he’s attitude toward you will change and your relationship will be better for it. Sorry for such a long answer. I sincerely hope this helps and best wishes.

  2. Dave’s #1 Girl, 08 October, 2010

    It really wasn’t something for him to get so upset about. It seems like its something deeper thats bothering him. Is he having a hard time at work? Maybe you guys are not communicating to well at home so any little thing is causing him to blow up.

  3. Kevin, 08 October, 2010

    Dunno about bi-polar, maybe just bi. Why don’t you ask him if he’d be into you and your GF at the same time…. That should cheer him up :)

  4. Hillary, 08 October, 2010

    I think you should sit him down and tell him its just a joke you know a way to be flirty. then laugh and say i love you

  5. Just Me, 08 October, 2010

    My ex husband was the same and i would just look at him and wonder…"wtf man…its not a big deal. maybe he is bipolar." LOL but i dont really know wat bipolar really is. No i dont think he shoulda got mad at this…maybe annoyed if he felt that…but a big blow up fight? NO WAY. and then saying all the things he said to you? ridiculous. I always wonder why men say..your not the woman they wanted bla bla bla…then why the heck did they marry you?! gosh. its just plain dumb. I would just walk away…the fight is ridiculous anyways. Dont stand there and listen to the bullsh*t about putting you down. Your gonna get low selfesteem…i been thru all that. Your not a bad person…especially for something as minor as that.

  6. Jewels, 08 October, 2010

    This is something totally trivial. It does not deserve the kind of reaction that you got… and shesh if he got mad about that Facebook thing he’d fly off the handle about you asking such a question on Yahoo. I don’t now if he’s bipolar but he defiantly is mentally abusing you. There must be something else that is bothering him, something else that is not making him happy and he’s taking it out all on you.
    You both need to sit down and talk about your feelings and the situation. He needs to know that he is disrespecting you when he tears you down till you cry. A man that treats his wife this way is not a real man.

  7. Amanda, 03 December, 2010

    There are two types of jokes. Hurtful jokes and Helpful jokes. You should never try to direct jokes at a person or any of their weaknesses. For him to find out (or assume) you take naps because he is on the computer, is hurtful. It tells him that not only you think, but your friend now also thinks that he is not paying enough attention to you. Like others have said, having a bad day at work or school doesn’t improve things at home. But now he has the embarrassment of your friend thinking he’s an inconsiderate computer hog. If you make these kind of jokes with him all the time, you are slowly eating away at his flaws. There is a little truth in every joke, or else they wouldn’t be funny. People can laugh when they are the butt of a joke, but do it all the time will start to eat away at them. When was the last time you complimented him on something he is good at? Do you find it harder to tell people good things about him than have them assist in joke-making?

  8. Alissa, 28 April, 2011

    This sounds almost identical to what my dad does to my mom. I’m not sure what is going on with him, but he freaks out and goes into maximum rage over the smallest things. Like, accidentally leaving a cabinet door open, or not throwing a piece of trash away.
    I can understand frustration over having to repeat instructions over and over again, but the way he freaks out is really confusing. My father is not an abusive person, he is actually really kind hearted. But it’s like he snaps over little things and has no control over what he says or does.
    My mom has dealt with it for a long time, and lately it’s been getting worse and worse. I know she loves my father, but I think she’s close to walking out on him, and personally dont blame her.

    If anyone has any clue as to what could be going on please email me.

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