I met this guy & we’re teammates in the call center we’re working for.He’s cute, charming,witty,funny,was a High School teacher,Computer Science grad,a musician(he’s a bass player)& a hopeless romantic.The prettiest girl in our team even had a crush on him(she told me that since we’re close friends).But then,i never expected that someone like him would show interest to a shy & simple girl like me.He was so friendly to me that he always wants to talk to me,very caring & sweet to me.I was even amazed that when we exchanged seats, he sat next to me.He’s great to talk to & he talks to me about his fave music,asked my birthdate,where i live,other basic info,my cell number & even asked me to be the lead vocalist for the band that he will be forming.He said that he was sure i was the right person since they heard me sang in our training class(we’re still on the 2nd week of our training) Now,i just couldn’t imagine that this guy would adore me! He made me feel like the most beautiful, interesting & admirable girl in the world. His friends would subtlety tease me whether i have a date & i said no and his friends would look at him. My other female friend whom i told bout this told me that this guy would steal glances at me.I felt that this is what i have been waiting for bec. i never had a boyfriend ever(I’m still 21; he’s 23 & single).
But there’s a big problem: He smokes & drinks. You may raise your eyebrows & say "So What?" well, it’s bec. i have had enough domestic abuse in my family bec. my dad had a smoking & drinking problem. I even live separately now from my dad after i graduated College coz i just couldn’t take all the garbage & wastedness that my dad becomes whenever he was drunk.He just can’t quit. The guilt,anger & shame over our situation was too much.Bec. of my dad’s alcoholism, my mom left us even when i was still 6 years old.But i still love my dad,he’s the sweetest guy when sober but very emotional & argumentative when drunk. So now, i am so so afraid that my history would repeat itself & this time i’m afraid it’s going to be my own family that someday i will have. I don’t want to be judgmental, i just can’t help being careful & wise before making any stupid decision that i would regret for the rest of my life. It really confuses me bec. i am starting to fall for this guy & would actually want to go out with him. But the relationship i want to build with him if ever he asks me out will be a serious one & that someone i would consider marrying. But now i am struggling with so much fear in my heart, it’s so hard trying to deny that i am starting to fall for him bec. i don’t want to get hurt & find out what if he is just like my father who cares about his drinking more than his family,wife & kids. Now, i can’t help imagining about my fears and future regrets in my mind & i picture myself ten years from now:a battered wife,haggardly taking care of her little kids & here’s this guy whom i fell in love comes home drunk every night & fights with me alot & that he’s jobless or couldn’t find a decent job & he had no money but has money for his drinking sprees. I know i am a bit overboard but for me love is a choice not just a feeling or else i would end up being the victim stuck in a dysfunctional family line the rest of my life.I prayed to God about this that He will lead me the right way. I badly need some good advice from you guys…i don’t want to make the same mistakes all over again that my parents did that they ended up separated,it really is not a happy thing…I want to love but i don’t want to risk if it’s not worth it in the first place…Your opinion is very much appreciated & will help me realize many things before its too late…tnx
pardon if my question is bit long.Btw,i will still observe and know how often he smokes and drinks and figure out if he’s addicted to it or not.:)

Tags: 6 years, alcoholism, amp, bass player, call center, close friends, computer science, domestic abuse, Drinker, eyebrows, Fall In Love, fave music, female friend, girl in the world, guilt, high school teacher, Met, Musician, prettiest girl, simple girl, Smoker, subtlety, teacher computer, teammates, vocalist

My step children are hideously selfish and don’t listen to a thing I tell them. They won’t even bathe! They’re 14(boy) and 11(girl). My husband has a passive parenting style. He hates to hear any fussing or fighting and likes to avoid confrontations. He knows that they treat me bad, but he says he doesn’t understand why he lets them do it. He says he just doesn’t know how to make them do the right thing. He’s tried punishment, rewards, and a combination of both. Nothing seems to work. I know that he loves me very much and it bothers him that he can’t figure out how to make the children behave and do as they’re told. He also loves his children, but they are tearing our marriage apart. Anyone have any ideas or have you ever been in this same situation??
A little more info:
We have a two year old daughter together. Mu husband just deployed to Iraq and will be gone 15 months. The mother rarely calls, lives out of state and is schizophrenic . She sees them maybe once every other year. My husband is a good man and a good father to my baby. He carries a lot of guilt about his divorce and the impact it had on his kids. I didn’t mean to make it sound like he was spinelss. I think his passiveness stems more from guilt than anything else.
We’ve been married for about 3 1/2 years.
I tried for the first two years to have some sort of relationship with the two of them. I’ve done things with them/for them, I’m the one who takes them shopping, I’m the one who buys them new clothes, I’m the one who makes their father take them to the library, the park, etc. After two years of doing for them and getting nothing (respect) in return, I stopped doing so much for them. They are just REALLY selfish children who were used to being the bosses and getting what they wanted. I’ve even suggested family counselling, but now that my husband is deployed, it’s too late for that.
Just a little nore in defense of myself: My husband is in the military and he’s not home much. The children are left in my care. I have provided them with structure and activities. It’s easy for a few to point the finger at me and say I’m the one being selfish, but if you any idea how many "talks" the kidsa and I have had about our relationship, you’d understand why, at this point, I’m pulling my hair out. I agree with some of the negative comments. You’re right, I shouldn’t let their behavior bother me, but I don’t know of any way to just "turn off" my emotions when they treat me so badly. Even their father ADMITS that they treat me badly. Again, I have suggested (on several occasions) that we seek family councelling. I work, their father is gone, and I’m taking care of all three children. Is it so much to ask, for them to just follow a few rules? I’ve compromised a lot. I stopped nagging them to bathe, brush teeth, do homework or clean up after themselves!
By the way, Skidoo, my screen name was a joke between my sister and myself. One I’ve had for years. No hidden meaning whatsoever.

And for any of you who took offense to the term "demonic step children", come on! It was a phrase to show just how frustrated I am with them! I’ve done more for those two chilldren since I’ve known them than either their real mother or their father. I’ve taught them why they shouldn’t lie or steal, how to have compassion for others, how to take care of themselves, and a lot of other real life skills they need to become productive adults. The issues they have were going on a looooong time before I was ever in the picture. I tried to give them what they needed but they rejected me, so don’t point fingers at me for getting tired of trying to help them when they don’t want or appreciate my help. Sometimes, I think the only ones who really understand are the ones who have walked in my shoes. And some called ME judgemental?

Tags: 15 months, clothes, confrontations, counselling, divorce, do the right thing, good man, guilt, iraq, little nore, marriage, Mu, parenting style, passiveness, relationship, Rewards, selfish children, shopping

My husband and I have been married 2 years in may and we’ve had our awesome times and hard times. I love him with all of my heart. We have had some problems recently. I started school again, we got a puppy, and for the past 6 months he has been working out of town. It has been sooooooo hard. We hadn’t had any kind of sexual activity in weeks. We have been trying to move, also… so the stressors were MAJOR high. We began to neglect each other a little. Realizing there was a potential problem, we signed up for a marriage conference. We were both committed to recieve whatever we needed to make it better. After the conference, we were getting better. We were happier, having more sex, and I was falling in love with him again. Last thursday, I see a mysterious number on the phone bill that he had called 4 times in 1 week and talked with this person on the phone 45 minutes at a time. I asked him about it an he confessed to the affair. He had the affair 2 weeks before we went to the conference (so 6 weeks ago). He said the guilt was eating him alive. He said he wanted to work it out and that he loved me. He said the relationship was over. I reacted with A LOOOOOT of anger. I gave him an ultimatum on the spot (I know I shouldn’t have done this now: Hindsight is 20/20) I said me or the out of town job. It truly is the best oppourtunity he has ever had and he’s really good at this job. He said he didn’t want to choose. I told him he had to. He said he wasn’t quitting his job. So I told him he didn’t have to decide then. I told him to think it through and talk to me when he got home. Well, I couldn’t wait… so I called him back that night. He said he had been thinking about it and that it was best if we split. I relented my ultimatum, but he said that eventually I would require him to quit. I begged and begged and he would not change his mind. He was saying things like, "I’m not in it 100% and you are." and "What’s to stop me from doing this again?" When I would ask what I did wrong he would say, "Nothing… you were a good wife."

It has been hit and miss since then. I called his mother and his grandfather to tell them what had happened (I know, I know… mistake). This pissed him off. He came to talk to me and one of my girlfriends was over (I know, mistake.)

I’ve reacted so emotionally and I’ve done things that I wish I hadn’t. I know I pushed him into thinking he "has" to do this.

We’ve talked a couple times since then… mostly buisness. Last night he called to ask me a question about bills and stuff and I missed the call. I called him back and we talked for 30 minutes (he hadn’t been answering my calls.)

I told him that I wanted to work on it, that we were under a lot of stress and that I hadn’t been the best wife… I apologized for nagging and for treating him badly. I told him that I was willing to change and be better. I told him I missed him and he said he missed me, too. I tried to pitch to him the idea of a trial seperation. He said he would think about it.

I know that I pushed him to thinking he "has" to do this…. will he come back to me? I know that he loves me or he wouldn’t feel so badly and be trying to take care of me. Just last week (before I found out he had the affair) he was calling me every morning to tell me he loved me and saying he was excited to see me.

He keeps saying everything is his fault… but the reality is 70% of men will cheat…. so if 50% of marriages end in divorce, then that 20% can survive it. Some men cheat once and never do it again. I know his love for me is real…. there is no question about that.

It has only been a week and we have experienced every emotion. Will he change his mind when we talk in person on saturday? What should I say?

The lack of sex is evidence of lack of communication. Sex starts in the brain…

His job is in knoxville. He is there m-f and comes home on the weekends. He had the affair in knoxville

I am willing to give him all the things he needs. He just needs to take it

Tags: anger, awesome times, Bill 116, guilt, heart, hindsight is 20 20, last thursday, marriage, marriage conference, mysterious number, Neglect, oppourtunity, puppy, quot, relationship, saying things, sexual activity, stressors, town job, ultimatum

My wife recently found out that I was having an emotional affair with another woman via my blackberry and we are thinking of divorce after 14 years of seemingly a normal up/down marriage.

When she confronted me with this I initially lied but confessed 5 mins later after a wave guilt

Poor decision making on my part as I met the younger woman through my job. We went to lunch three times and shared "how doing" and "whats going with you?" type of text messages over a 3/4 month period. The lunches were 1 group lunch and two lunches by ourselves.

My wife asked why.. and I gave her a very honest response of the different type of attention that I received from this other woman was something new and unexpected. I just liked the attention from this pretty woman and purposely hid this from my wife as I knew it was somewhat wrong.

I was never physical with this other woman but it doesn’t seem to matter to my wife much.. I feel like a total scumbag..

My wife questions my true intentions and doubts that we were not physical..I would doubt the same. .. I’ve lost her trust and friendship an want to try get it back..

Thoughts or ideas would be appreciated from today’s biggest Loser.

Tags: 5 mins, biggest loser, blackberry, divorce, Doubts, emotional affair, friendship, group lunch, guilt, honest response, job, marriage, Met, poor decision, pretty woman, quot, text messages, Thinking Of Divorce, three times, true intentions

My ex and I broke up a little over 3 months ago in September. We were together for 1 yr and 3 months. We have been through a lot in that time though. We technically traveled the world together as she studied in France while I studied in Spain. Our split was mainly because there was a lot of pressure from our relationship because it progressed faster than we had planned and felt like we were very involved in each others lives. I guess you can say to a point where the appreciation and excitement of one another was losing its spark. Also the distance wasn’t helping when we were away from each other during our school semesters. Anyways when we broke up she studied one more semester abroad in Italy and I was here in the U.S. I stopped contact with her during the three months because I didn’t want to push her away by possibly making her feel any guilt from the separation and which I also thought was the best move for me regardless. During the 3 months I have not thought about her that much really and have been going out and enjoying the single life as you may say. Been able to move on from this instead of moping and feeling depressed from it, which I know I should of been doing anyways. So I have been fine and I know she had been fine especially being away from home.

Now she had come back home a couple weeks ago and I have seen her for the first time. I was very very happy to just see her and I had missed her very much. We got together a couple times just to catch up a little bit. One of the last times we had spoke, we kind of just spoke about how our relationship was before and how things may have been the cause of our separation. However I had asked the question of her possibly dating me again sometime in the future and she said maybe but that she wasn’t sure and that she has been happy being single. But our conversation got cut off after that cause we both had places to be at. A few days later I was invited by one of her best friends to her best friends Birthday Party. I had attended with a couple of my friends that they knew and we hung out with them and had a good time for the most part. For me it was the first time I had really felt the feeling again of really missing being her Man/ boyfriend and it was starting to kill me. I didn’t really interact with her too much that night but my friends had more than me. At the end of the night when I said goodbye I told her that she looked great and that it was nice seeing her. And she then informed me that she was wearing the dress that I had bought her before. Then we had a big hug and then an unexpected almost near kiss goodbye. Really wanted too but didn’t think it was right to. But my friends were all saying that they saw something that night. Maybe little indications of interests still there.

The next day I tried seeing if she wanted to hang out later that night. First she wasn’t able to do anything cause she had things to finish up and wasn’t sure if she felt like going out. Then I had mentioned that she should let me take her out once. After that she had said that our conversation that we had before the other day had gotten cutoff and that maybe we should get together and talk about it. So I said sure and then she asked to meet her at like a starbucks. Then before I was on my way she had mentioned that she didn’t want to leave the house and if I wanted to just go over her house instead. So I did. We spoke about what was going on between us and I guess you can say that she has been happy being single and isn’t quite looking to be in a relationship, however we had agreed to "Date" each other though. She admitted that being back home, that it is weird not hanging out with me when she is home or getting back from work and what not. Now she said she was afraid to go through with just dating because she thought that I wouldn’t be able to just date. However I felt like there was more to it than just being worried about me. But I’m unsure. So I guess you can say that we are technically dating now. We have hung out only a couple times now but when we do it feels just like how it used to be before when we were together. And I feel she tries to hold herself back at times but then she can’t at times as well and just goes with it. However we still now kiss each other at times and it seems cool for the most part. But for me I’m starting to feel the feelings that I once had for this girl. I loved her very much and I still do love her. Now I feel stuck in my head and what to think. I want to be back with her but at the same time I have no clue on how she feels because its like mixed signs.

My friends have told me that I am in a good spot and that I shouldn’t be worrying because they feel that she might be having similar feelings as well but she may be afraid from it as well. I just don’t know what to do and how I might be able to go about to possibly getting her back. I need some help, advice, something. If some of y’all can help me that would be great. It’s just tha

Tags: best friends, birthday party, couple times, couple weeks, ex girlfriend, excitement, few days, friends birthday, Guess, guilt, italy, little bit, relationship, school semesters, single life, spain, three months