This is going to be a little long, but I appreciate anybody that reads the whole thing because I could really use some advice. So here goes nothing.
There’s this guy. I’ve known this guy for about a year and a half. The moment we met, we clicked and within a month we were talking like we’d known each other for years. We’ve been through a lot, but we always work through it. He’s my best friend, my rock…I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him. And I’d hate to lose him.
A couple of months ago, we both went to a Halloween Scary Movie Marathon and ended up making out and cuddling the whole night (the cuddling was a normal thing that we usually do, but the making out not so much). After it happened, we said it was just us being lonely, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him. This wasn’t something that I was used to feeling. I started to see him in a new light. I had always loved him, but not in any way other than as my best friend. I couldn’t tell him though because I was afraid that we might get too serious and I’ve never been good with committed relationships. Plus, he’s a Senior and I’m a Junior and if he left, I wouldn’t want to deal with it. So I just chalked it up to attraction and proposed a friends with benefits kind of thing.
We made out again in November, and it’s been this ongoing flirtationship since the first time we hooked up. The thing is, our relationship has only gotten stronger. I tell him more and he tells me more. There are things I could never tell anyone that I tell him because I know it doesn’t change how he feels about me.
We have these conversations where we both hint at our feelings for each other, but neither of us really says it. For example, one night, he told me that he has these series of plans to make girls fall in love with him and he asked if I was worth wasting all the plans on. I said I didn’t think so and he said he thought I was with all his heart. But then a couple of days later, I brought it up, and he asked me if I really wanted that or if I just wanted a sexual squeeze ball. I wanted to tell him I wanted it and how I felt, but I didn’t because again, I was afraid. So I said I just wanted sex. But then when I went back on it and said that I didn’t know how I felt about it, he suggested that we take a break from alone time (meaning not hook up for a while).
Well, for the past few weeks or so he’s been talking to a Sophomore. She’s everything I’m not, and everything that he loves. She’s a romantic. She’d rather have one beautiful kiss than an evening of passion. She loves Nicholas Sparks and she loves The Notebook. She has these ideas about true love and she’s a lot like him. She wants a fairytale, movie magic romance. He gets giddy and happy when he talks about her. And all I want is for him to be happy. So I support him because I feel like he can’t be happy with me. Because I don’t want a relationship, and he does. And he knows that I don’t want a relationship.
At our friend’s New Years Eve party last night, we stayed up all night watching movies again, and he and I cuddled like we always do and he kept nuzzling me, and we ended up kissing a couple of times. Not making out – just kissing. I wanted to do more, but I know that he has this girl in his life, and I didn’t want to ruin it for him because I know he can be happy with her. He drove me home in the morning and we had a conversation while sitting in my driveway where I told him that I was sorry I couldn’t be everything he wanted and that I was sorry that I didn’t know how to commit. I mentioned that I know where I’m going in life – which he already knows anyway – and that I felt that getting into a relationship with him would just hold me back. And he agreed. I told him I loved him. And he said he loved me too. But he also said he really liked this girl. And I felt wrong and bad telling him I was jealous, which I did, but I didn’t tell him that I didn’t want him to be with her. And I feel like I should have. But instead I just told him that all I needed was to get my love for him out of my system and that everything would be fine. Then I kissed him on the cheek and got out of his truck and went inside.
I feel just horrible. We’ve been texting all day like normal, but I just don’t know what to do about my feelings. Can anybody help? Again, I’m sorry this is so long. I am eternally grateful to anyone that will answer this for me.
Tags: best friend, committed relationships, conversations, couple of days, Cuddling, feelings, friends with benefits, girls, halloween, heart, Lonely, Lot, love, marathon, relationship, scary movie
