I have thoughts that plague my mind…negative thoughts that I can’t shake. I just think that I’m going to end up like my mother… alone, never married, a ‘baby’s mama,’ broke, bitter, fat, depressed, and over bearing on my children. The other night I was just laying in bed trying to sleep and this thought just came to my mind: "I’ll never be nothing more than a baby’s mama."
That’s a horrible thing to think, but periodically that’s how I feel. The odds are really against me at this point. First off, some ungodly number like 70% of black females never get married. Then like 52% of all african american marriages fail in the first 5 years. I don’t even know the percentage of those who fail after 5 years. I feel so hopeless. Like I’ll never be happy in a relationship with a man. I look at the people around me, and that leaves me even more hopeless. I already mentioned my mother, my sister is in her late 20′s, with a kid (with no father) and no husband going from man to man. One of my good friends is also in her late 20′s with no one to call her own. The closest thing to a man she has is one guy who has 3 kids, no job and no where to live, and another guy who just wants to sleep with her.
I just don’t see anyone in a healthy relationship. Even the assistant pastor at my church wife cheated on him… and I thought they were a perfect match… let alone they are both almost 60.
It just seems that all down the line (no matter the age) everyone is alone and unmarried, or unhappily married. I don’t want that to be me, but the odds are definitely not in my favor.
I just feel like I should stay with the guy I’m with, settle for him… have his kids and get it over with. I have no one to talk to about this and my mind is just filled with this pollution. Just by looking at the people around me, it seems like there are no good men or good relationship out there. If I break it off with my current boyfriend, whose to say I will ever find another man. and if I do find another man, whose to say he won’t have crazy baggage, or just want me for my material things and my body.
I have faith in God, but its hard b/c even people in the church are alone and bitter. Why did God make the black race this way? THere is even an old lady in my church whose husband died many years ago. She has just been alone… all those years. What a depressing thing to think about.
Another example is my boyfriend’s mother. She got divorced over 10 years ago and hasn’t been with a man since. 10 years tho…10 years? That is so long. How can you go 10 years without the sweet embrace of a man… the strength of his touch, the warmth of his voice… the sex from his loins…lol… I enjoy sex. How could I go without it for 10 years? And in that time, she has fully dedicated her life to Christ, but she’s STILL alone.
I just need guidence on this issue. I’m starting not to believe in marriage. and as a matter of fact, I don’t know if I’ll ever have someone to spend my life with. I fear that if I leave my current bf, I’ll never know love again. And the sad thing is that I’m just 21…. I haven’t even really tapped into what real love really is…..
I feel so hopeless.
Tags: african american marriages, black females, closest thing, current boyfriend, Find Love, good friends, good relationship, Happy Marriage, job, mama, man to man, marriage, negative thoughts, Odds, perfect match, Plague, pollution, relationship, sleep, true love, ungodly number
